Strange Delights From Under The Lilac Tree

The other night I was having one of my heart to hearts with my mom. There was a time not too long ago where such a thing just wasn't possible as we were both uncomfortable with each other. We talked about Stella. About how I'll never figure out how a brownie was unacceptable as a breakfast food by my mother when I was her age. But ad grand to the mother and Brownies for Breakfast what a great idea!


Somehow we started talking about how I was at that age. About growing up. And something completely unexpected happened. I said something out loud that I've been afraid to say since we found out that a little girl was growing inside of me.


I should give you a back story before we continue. When I was one month shy of my fifth birthday I was molested by my babysitters husband. I'm thirty one years old and I can still tell you what was playing on the television, what color shag carpeting they had, what color his pants were, what type of underwear he was wearing, and more. It took me a long time to make my peace with that experience. To be able to say, this happened to me but it does not own me. I accepted awhile back that I have unfortunately been left with certain scars that despite my best efforts will never heal.

When I found out I was having a girl I was full of fear about how I was going to relate to her. I have older female cousins but I have a baby brother and other younger male cousins that I'm closer too. I watched them grow I know what to expect. With girls I'm completely lost. The biggest reason being. Is that I lost my innocence at such a young age. I wasn't allowed my innocence. I wasn't allowed to grow into my maturity. I was thrown in and forced to swim. As Stella gets older. The weight of my fear begins to get heavier and heavier.

"I'm so scared that I won't be able to connect with her. To relate to her much longer"

This chokes me sometimes. Ties me up in knots. Experiences from my youth were marred by what I had went through. How can I find that place in myself, to connect with her? Perhaps I can finally live that innocent time through her. The way she looks at the world, so unafraid of anything and anyone. Seeing the good in people. Fearless. Maybe that's just one of the wonderful reasons she was sent to me. A gift. Fate, chance took innocence and youth away from you and now you get to see it, be it. And what a pair of eyes to see it through.