Learning to Listen

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with a very nice gentleman at my coffee shop who also has a serious hearing problem. He told me that his doctor advised him on "learning how to listen". That often when someone begins to wear a hearing aid they still have difficulty hearing because breaking the years old habit of asking people to repeat themselves can be quite trying.

I've noticed it in myself even though I have yet to be able to afford my much needed hearing aids. Sometimes someone will say something to me and by the time I say "what?" or "one more time" it's clicked in me somewhere just what they said.

Listening is something we completely take for granted on so many levels. Be it because physically the ability to hear was taken from us. Or perhaps we just don't know how to process what someone is trying to relay. Think about it. How many times has someone talked to you about something be it trivial or heavy that you tried to find some way to connect to it. To say "I know where you're coming from" or "I had a friend, a relative, a co-worker who went through the same thing" But sometimes, all they need is for you to listen. To really hear them. Don't offer solutions, don't offer connections, or relation. Sometimes they just want you really hear them. Telling you from the depths often something they've stuffed down, something that frightens them. And they just need to say it.

Recently someone I love dearly was diagnosed with depression. First, my love for them made me want to find a way to fix it. I thought I could fix it I really did. I tried to remind them about the good things in their life. Tried to remind them that they weren't alone in the darkness. I tried to tell them that I felt as they had. I tried everything to help them find joy again. I also thought I could convince them to get help. I learned the hard way they have to find the hope of recovery on their own. They have to want it. That in those moments I felt I was offering help I was really making things worse. I was trivializing the despair they felt.

Then I remembered the "How I Do" post by Jon Armstrong on Blurbomat.com , that completely changed the way I "helped" this loved one. As a longtime fan of his wife Heather's blog (dooce.com) I was well aware of her battle with depression. And while she talked openly about her struggle (and aided me tremendously in my own battle with post-partum). Jon was rightfully guarded about discussing it. I've revisited the post a lot lately. It's been immeasurable the help it has given me on so many levels. First and foremost to know that I'm not alone. To know that I'm not the only one who thinks I can "fix depression". To know that I have to take care of myself or risk being in just as bad a place as my loved one. But more importantly it drives home just how important it is to really LISTEN. I think back on it often when my loved one is talking. And I'm learning how to listen. How to not make it about me or how I can make it better. To NOT figure out how I can lessen the enormity and weight of their emotion. But to let them feel it. Let them own it. Let them share it. That by doing so and keeping my mouth shut. Sometimes it does in turn lessen the load.

I choose my words wisely these days, whether or not to utter them, focusing on not using the word "I". Frankly the results have left us both traveling on our own road to recovery.