Lost In Translation...or just Lost

When I was a kid, I was VERY awkward when it came to my peers. I was always so anxious about what I said, trying desperately not to make an ass of myself. One moment in Junior High that I remember vividly to this day involved a boy, that I thought was quite cool. He was smart as a whip, AP all the way, in fact If I remember correctly he graduated high school early. He was so funny and witty. But I need to also mention (as it is important to the story) that this boy had a very slight physical disability. I sooo wanted to be friends with him and I ruined it with one incredibly embarrassing question.

During a dance the opportunity arose to have a conversation with him, we had exchanged words here and there and I in my infinite pre-teen awkwardness thought hey I know just the thing to talk to him about! Yours truly approached this incredibly sweet, smart, funny boy and started to tell him about how I was going to be a volunteer at the upcoming Special Olympics. Here it comes.... I then ask this kid, "so are you going to be participating?" Yep that's right I asked this kid who probably went on to score 3000 on his SAT's if he was retarded. I had confused his physical disability with a mental one. Why in the hell I thought for a second that it was an appropriate question I'll never know. That by far was one of the most embarrassing things I have ever said in my entire life. And let me tell you there have been some winners! Needless to say, that kid wanted NOTHING to do with me for the rest of Junior High and into High School.

Today I was reminded yet again the power of words. And that if we don't use them wisely they can be very hurtful. Whether we intended them to or not. I was reminded that its always so important to tell people to their face how you feel. Especially when you have something nice to say. Otherwise your emotions can get lost in translation. I'm not perfect. As much as I love words and writing I don't always convey the right thing. As much as I strive to find the correct way to relay sentiments I sometimes it get all turned around.

I need anyone and everyone to know right here right now. That Ned's sister is a force to be reckoned with. The strength, the energy, the love she has given to Ned and her wonderful boys continues to astound me. The struggles I am currently weighted with are but a fraction of what she has endured. I as well as Ned credit her with helping him survive his cancer and subsequent illnesses. Look up the word SACRIFICE in the dictionary and it will have a pic of "M" circa 2003. (and rightfully so)

To hear that something I said offended her breaks my heart. I've found myself saying quite a few times this past Month; "How would "M" handle this?" or better yet "How did "M" handle this?" Ned would have never gotten the help he needed recently had his sister not been beside me pushing him. I'll tell you like I told her. Every day that my husband opens his eyes, I am thankful that he had her 6 years ago.

Everything is so upside down in my life right now, One second I feel like I'm making all the right decisions and things are starting to look up, The next all I see around me is how I'm failing those I love, those that need me. The next I want to check out of everything!! I need to remember that while it's good to say what I feel. Because my emotions are running around completely lost, these days I need to give certain things extra thought before sending it out into the world. Less another great person decides they want nothing to do with me ever again.