Tweak

Do you ever get that feeling that your time is never your own? Your either employee, mother, wife, daughter etc etc. But we sacrifice the "you" so easily to fullfill these other duties. There just doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done. To be the mom I want to be, to be the wife I want to be, To make the strides in my career which equals more money and a quicker ticket to somewhere else. More importantly I realized yesterday that while to some it may seem like I do things for me all the time. So little of my time is mine. I think I stuff it down telling myself "that's part of being a mom" or "that's what it means to be a wife" There was no particular thing that sparked it. But I found myself stifling a scream for most of the afternoon.

I held it in because I knew that the two people who would be forced to bare witness should never feel like it's because of them. It isn't because of them. It's years of fear, frustration, confusion, pressure and outright enormity of well... IT. There is so much I want for me, for them. But there's not enough hours in the day to get there. There's no room to even put in that extra 10% to get ahead. I put in more hours at work to try and get more money, more notches on my belt I sacrifice the already brief time I have with my husband and daughter. I make time for them, I drop the ball on work. I get so frustrated that I can't manage it the way I want to, the way I NEED TO! Here's the part that made me want to scream. I said to myself. "I'd give anything to just go away for a few days by myself, no responsabilities to anyone or anything" But I felt instantly this sharp pang of homesickness at that thought. While I want to be alone I can't even bare the thought of being without them in any spare second of my free time. WTF!!!

My mind goes a million miles a minute. A million things that I need to do and just when I think I'm having a good day, I realize that I've grossly overlooked something either proffessionally or personally.

I can't micro-manage no matter how many self help books or websites I read and even then I feel guilty for reading them because I feel like I wasted time on them! And I've got to figure it out. I just feel like I can't breathe sometimes. Sometimes I swallow the scream and sometimes I let it out. But I can only push down those screams before somehow they find a way out.

Yesterday after a few hours of pushing it down It ended up manifesting itself in this major back tweak, causing me to walk all contorted. (Think elephant man) I didn't really pull anything it' was just my body's way of saying "deal with it it's not our problem". It's been a bitch to deal with most of the day. Being locked up like that and having so much trouble trying to loosen up.

Please know I'm not looking for sympathy I just really needed to get that out. And you know what already my back is better. So Thanks for listening. I'll try not to scream so loud next time.