As said by my boss...
"you shotgun things...you blow that shotgun and you chip away at 20 things. Instead you need to figure out how to be a bullet. Just blast away one thing at a time it will get you where you need to be faster than you think."
I hate it when someone other than my hubby reads me like that. Here I thought I was sooo smooth had it all under control..(sheyeah rrright) And this guy, comes and nails it. Just nails it to the wall. I am a shotgun. That's why I get so overwhelmed because I try to take out so many things with one blast. The results are that I just ding em' and that just pisses them off. It pisses me off. Because soon enough I just get so locked down with stress I can't think straight.
Which is what's been happening the past few weeks, hell months. The more I thought about it. The more I realized that part of the reason I've been "shotgunning" is simply because I'm not interested in my targets.
Stay with me on this one...When your in radio you really have to create this personality. While you certainly can lend some element of your private self to this personality. This new personality has to be a real people pleaser. It has to be this umbrella of coverage. You must please your listeners, You must please your employer, You must be whatever said listener and employer need you to be. This of course can lead to losing sight of your whole self. And after 7 years of doing that I realized that I didn't know who I was anymore. Turning that people pleasing switch off would prove tougher than expected.
An executive director job found me last October. And for awhile it was great fun but anyone who has ever worked for a non-profit knows. The pay sucks and demands are high. You've got a group of volunteers that basically expect you to donate any and all necessary time needed for projects beyond the $200 a week they pay you. Change the word volunteer to Broadcasters and bump the $200 a week a bit. Hello Radio! It hit me, I traded one "we'll never pay you for everything your required to do" job for another. And I just can't do that to myself or my family again. That's just not who I am. And that my friends is why things fall apart far to frequently in my life. I'm not being the person that I want to be. I'm being the person my job or people in my community dictate me to be. Funny there was a time when just the IDEA of conforming on that kind of level would cause me to break out into hives. I was going to live my life on my terms. I was going to get tattoos, and bring my kids to rallies, I was going to surround my life with music & art I loved. I was going to have great dinner parties with equally as great discussions. For a little while I had that life. And somewhere, I deviated. Somewhere I lost sight of those ways that made me very happy.
I am not someone who finds joy in Meetings, in planning Christmas Festivals or HOME TOURS (for crying out loud!) I'm not someone who takes minutes. That kind of stuff makes someone happy but it isn't me. The scary thing is...for a moment I thought it was making me happy. What does make me happy is this little coffee shop. My little live music show, my photography, my graphic design. My family. So yours truly is undergoing a revamping. You'll see some changes in the coming weeks here under the lilac tree and beyond. There are projects in the works. Projects I'm incredibly excited about, as they are things that over the years of people pleasing that were shoved deep down. Well it's rising to the surface and I couldn't be more excited.
I've learned it from watching my hubby the last few weeks on his vineyard. When you do what you love, what you want to in life, that's real happiness that's fulfillment. And most of all that's the kind of example above all that I want to set for Stella. She should never be anyone but the person she wants to be. Do the things that make you truly happy in life and life will be very good to you.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Shotgun...
Posted by Franny at 8:59 AM
Labels: Dream A Little Dream, Hope
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2 comments:
Best of luck with everything. I know how it feels to lose yourself and become defined by your job rather than maintaining who you are in addition to the job. It does sound like you're on the right path to be the person you want to be and who your family needs you to be.
OMG...I'm a shotgun too!! Never thought about it like that before but that describes me perfectly. Wow. We have a shitload in common, don't we??
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