My Hero

Grab a drink, Grab a Tissue, We are going for a ride.

One minute your living your life to the fullest. Traveling the country, hiking the Appalachian Trail, Camping, Drinking with good friends, Filling your life with good music and good memories. Practicing your craft with joy each and every day. When suddenly out of nowhere your stomach churns, Your head in vice, You can't eat, can't sleep, can't keep anything down. You reach out ask for help from the people who are supposed to know they tell you lay off the spicy food it's G.E.R.D. Your instincts tell you that isn't it. You keep getting sicker, keep asking why, and the doctors keep telling you it's all in your head. I can't imagine what those times where like. Everything you loved to do. Everything you loved giving way to painful sleepless nights desperately researching trying to find the answer. Reading through medical papers filled to the brim with words you can't understand. But this sickness keeps you up keeps you reading. There it is. Brain Tumor. What was it like that late night deep in those quiet hours reading those words? You must have been so scared love. My hero.

To walk those halls as a patient... those walls you built. Begging someone anyone to believe you. Oh my love, my hero how strong you are. How rare you are indeed. Adult Medulloblastoma a cancer found mostly in children is deep in you, a man full of life and experience. How is this? Within days they are inside. A few more days it would have been inoperable. This was just the first of many battles for your life. The fates, your body knocked you down over and over again. But you keep getting up. My hero. Some nights when you sleep your face the most peaceful I've seen in many moons. My thoughts drift to you trapped in that mask. Listening to the buzz. Listening to Norah Jones ad-nauseum. I whisper to you my love all the things I would have said. Imagine holding your hand. My hero.

You did it all alone. I wasn't there. My heart breaks sometimes because I wasn't. There to annoy you with mindless chatter (as I do when I'm nervous), Talk about how hot the nurse with the nice rack is (to make you laugh), To sneak you chic fil-a, To whisper to you over and over how brave, how strong you are. My hero.

Cancer is such a horrible horrible disease. What so many people don't realize is that it's more than diagnosis, surgery, and treatment. They don't tell you is just the first wave. The battle, the war, wages on for years. You never hear about the rehabilitation. You never hear about illnesses born from hospital stays or cancer treatment. You never hear about Radiation Induced Necrosis. You never hear about the immense physical pain left from surgery scars. Never hear that if the Cancer doesn't kill you the treatment just might. Never hear that if you are permanently disabled. That you will fight for the rest of your life the the right to have access to the hundreds of thousands of dollars you put into the system.

The past two weeks have been particularly heavy. Today my battle worn hero faced yet another battle. Imagine having to tell a complete stranger over and over again every single one your painful flaws. Telling them all your dark secrets. Telling them with every mintuae just how you are damaged. BEGGING them to help you lead some semblance of a normal life. PLEADING with them to give you what's rightfully yours. JUSTIFYING your pain and suffering. And you're sitting in that chair. You're choking down every ounce of pride. And you're there because of a golf ball mass of cells. You're there because you wanted to live. Your there because you would not be defeated. Your there because a brain tumor and four count em' FOUR pulmonary embolisms didn't kill you. When they said you wouldn't walk again you walked. When they said you wouldn't survive you did. YOU WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.

And I realize as much as I wish I had been there those first days and months. I was meant to be HERE... now. I've got your hand, I'm behind you pushing you on in those moments you just don't want to take another step. I'm the one who knows and will share with everyone and anyone how unbelievably amazing you are. How inspirational, how strong. Even if you're too battle weary to realize it. I was meant to be there with you March 14th 2006 when your daughter came into this world kicking and screaming filled to the brim with the same fire, the same fight as her dad. I was meant to be the one to tell you no matter how far away it seems. You won't have to fight forever. Happiness in life will find you again. The rewards of your courage will someday find you. To whisper to you deep in the night. "My hero, oh how I love you"