Casualties of Parenthood

One of the biggest & best pieces of advice that was kept from me while I was pregnant with Stella was that I would kiss just about all of my old friends goodbye shortly after Stella's arrival. I think that should be one, if not the only piece of advice that should be given to a woman in her pregnancy. Wait..nobody warned me about the stitches, but then I can't bring myself to warn a first time pregnant woman about this horrid event as I would have to relive it, so I can't say that I blame them.

But I digress...

I wish someone, anyone would have told me that just about every friend I had would fade from my life. For one reason or the other. Either they can't understand just how encompassing your child can be. Or even if they've figured out how to manage life with their kids they refuse to give you the learning time. Or worse yet, I wasn't able to figure out before it was too late, how to find the time to nurture friendships. One by one, people I thought would be in my life forever or at least for years to come have just become....Casualties of Parenthood.

And it hurts, it hurts mighty bad to know that situations, that my own action (or lack thereof), and mere circumstance has meant the end of the road for certain relationships. One lifelong friendship took a serious hit while I was in the depths of postpartum depression. She wasn't married and had never been pregnant and she just didn't understand why I couldn't find the time to talk to her. How can you explain to someone (who's never been there), postpartum depression? How do you correctly convey the fog your life becomes, the helplessness? How can you explain to them that you are so manic with love for your baby one second and ready to run down the street screaming for anyone...someone to save you from it all the next? That finding the energy to talk to anyone let alone your best friend, well it just doesn't exist then.

After my maternity leave I went back to work full time plus infinity. I was going days without seeing my daughter and was lucky to get a goodnight kiss from my husband. My job demanded a lot of emotional energy, so by the time I came home I just wanted to shut the door on the world and everyone else but my little family they were the only sane thing I could hold onto. Instead I shut the door on my career. (Enter another world flipping event. ) There has been many many months of just figuring it all out, trying to balance it all (including the checkbook)

My close friends have long understood that I go through these weird little "I need to be by myself" moments. But my life is not my own anymore, well I still own about a tenth of it. And just when I feel like I've gotten a grip on being a wife, mother, and worker bee. I realize that I've loosened my grip on a friend. I wish they knew just how terrified I was (and still am) to open my mouth to my closest friends for fear of what would come out.

The amazing thing to me is that you see women who do it all they make time for friends, family AND work. Only recently did I see the common denominator that happens sometimes in those mothers; They A) made those friendships after the entrance of baby number 1 and B) they typically live in the neighborhood. Not 45 minutes away (as my closest friend does)

Of course once the damage has been done it just gets harder and harder to get back to solid ground with them. It gets to a point you have to ask yourself is it better to just let them go, let them move on with their lives than to keep being a shitty friend? As much as my heart aches to think about walking away from them, they deserve so much more than my apologies. More importantly I can't stand the thought of hurting them anymore and I just can't see how to make it right again. It hurts when your life begins on a new path and as much as you reach for them they just can't come with you.