Attack of the 3 foot Insomniac

This morning at the buttcrack of dawn I realized that it's been almost a month now since I've had more than 4 continuous hours of sleep. Recently Stella has become quite the insomniac. She usually goes down around 8pm on a good night. Sometimes it's 9 or 10 before she actually you know goes to sleep!! But starting at midnight she's up every 2 hours. Most of the time I'm so sweetly awakened by her freakishly strong arms shoving me and her yelling "WAKE UP MOMMY.... WAAAAAAKE UP!" Sometimes I awaken to her playing in the sink in the bathroom. or better yet shuffling through the liquor cabinet as documented here.

Childproof my ass!!

Perhaps it's penance. She slept through the night for almost two years straight. I know...I know I'm lucky I got that much... But we can't figure out what to do. Is it a phase? The ringing in of the tumultuous threes? She has a routine; jammies, clean room, teeth brushing, a book, kisses from daddy then goodnight. We are hoping that it's the milk she drinks just before bed. Hoping that if we black out the window by her bed that somehow someway she'll sleep through the night again.

Either way when she's a teen and tries to sleep in on the weekend as they ALL eventually do you bet your sweet ass I'm busting into her room at 6am "WAKE UP STELLA!! WAAAAAKE UP" Maybe throw in an air horn for good measure.

BUCK-le UP

Parenthood is full of crazy twists and turns. One second this 3 foot tall little person can flip you upside down ready to scream for mercy at the top of your lungs. The next she leaves you beside yourself with such warmth and love. The other day I had to take Stella to an appointment (only because she needed to be there) She had been sick the past few days with cold and hadn't had much sleep the night before so I knew I had a work out ahead of me.

OH that was the understatement of the year. Screaming...Wailing... Running...Never Ending Snot Rivers and lot's of Hippie Protester maneuvers.

Hippie Protester Maneuver? These are the "I'm gonna go completely limp when the man (AKA mom & dad) try to hold me down - FIGHT THE POWER!" moves the little one likes to pull. We've all seen them, a parent holding their kid up by an arm, Or my personal favorite the kid hitting the floor and beginning a nice rolling wail.

The nice nurse was trying to ask me about 5 questions and with each one Stella got louder and louder. sob-"bye bye..." WAIL "BYE BYE!!!!!" I was doing my damnest to keep my cool and I was quite proud of my progress in spite of the major meltdown that was by now driving everyone within a 50 mile radius mad. Suddenly the nurse goes. "Mrs. B I'll call you if I need anymore information you can go now". You got to give the little one points for determination.

Also she's really started to explore lately and is getting mighty brave. Just the other day I was preparing lunch in the kitchen thinking that Stella was still coloring in the living room. When all of a sudden she appears in the kitchen waving mommy's toy around as if it were a magic wand just laughing her ass off. (insert joke here) She had snuck into our bedroom gotten into our nightstand. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I did however immediately find a new home for the contents in mommy's fun drawer. JOY

And then the same day after I decided it was movie time!! she suddenly begins to sing along with the movie. To the top of her lungs. I had to sit down and catch my breath it was such an awesome moment. I've never heard her sing before and she just did it guns blazing.
It floored me with it's preciousness. And Of course I've played that movie once a day since just to get to hear her sing it again.



Stella's Family Of Me from Frances B on Vimeo.

You Know You've Settled Into Parenthood...

When all of a sudden your favorite shower curtain feels a little inappropriate.


I realized after having a group of kids over recently that maybe just maybe it's time to retire my pin-up girl shower curtain. Should I pack it away? Or damn the man and buck societal expectations and leave it up?

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Oh please please please tell me this is some kind of 2 year old phase.

My daughter is OBSESSED with her reflection. Mirrors, Glass she's absolutely fascinated. She'll talk, she'll pick up things. She gets so involved that it's difficult (but not impossible) to pull her away. I try to rationalize it by saying that it's her way of becoming aware of her body. The way she looks when she's speaking, the way she looks when picking up a toy, the way she looks when she gives me a hug or kiss. I'll spare you my neurotic "what if my baby has some freak illness" worrisome thoughts because I have oh so many of those (even now).

What I want to know is if there are any parents out there who went through the same phase with their kids. I've just reached a point where I really need to hear that I'm not alone.

Gratuitous Parental Pride

Stella was too young and fast asleep during her 1st two 4th of July Fireworks. And it was worth the wait. She kept doing this over and over again.



Stella's 1st Fireworks from Frances B on Vimeo.

Birthday Morning...EWWWW!! in the AM

So far my 31st birthday morning has been spent cleaning poop. Stella somewhere in the dead of night woke up with a poopy diaper, decided it wasn't important to wake me up but that maybe she could handle this "clean the booty" thing ..I'm assuming upon realizing that it's GROSS!! she then decided to smear it on her crib railing in an attempt to get it off her hands. Pardon me whilst I dry heave. Now I'm going to spend the next week paranoid that she may or may not get hand, foot, & mouth disease. And thanks to this CNN report I am currently FREAKIN OUT! I've just been repeating to myself. "Self, every toddler has done this at one point or another it's just a curiosity...You're Not Alone...You're Not Alone"

Fake it till you make it...

And then puppy Zoe pooptime. It's oh so much fun trying to pick up after a puppy that's so happy to see you (even though you've been out of the room for 2 minutes) that she's got to lick your face every time you bend down...to pick up her poop.

And as I kissed my dear hubby goodbye this morning after snapping at him, after discovering that the poor guy has no clean underwear because yours truly hasn't washed a stitch of clothing in what is it 3 or 4 days now*. (how he puts up with my BS I'll never know) He still said "I love you and have a good birth day" What a man. What a birthday... I'm hoping by lunchtime things will have improved. In the meantime I'm hoping that the birthday gods will step up and give me an Obama NC win in today's primary. That would be one awesome birthday present!


*footnote: Just for the record the Hubby has NO problem washing clothes or dishes or cleaning the house, it's just that I agreed to start taking over those tasks now that he's working more than I am and well... I suck at them.

Anybody know a good granny temp agency?

Ugg Mrs Drama aka our only babysitter and Mr. Drama have decided to take a last minute vacation. Don't get me wrong they totally deserve it, but who the hell am I going to get to babysit Stella? I'm ashamed to say I have no real back up. For a myriad of reasons of which I'll spare you the details. I've got the weekend covered. But Friday... Friday I got nuthin', nada, zilch in the sitter dept. The Hubby and I have been talking about Daycare. But she's 2 and from what little knowledge I have of Daycare once they reach two they have to be potty trained, right? Is it possible to train her in a day? She is a fast learner ya know... I know I know just give me my moment of delusion please...

Are you ready for the icing on the cake? Just a few days ago my 19 year old co-worker (ugh I'm old) begged me to come in early (we are very short staffed) I laughed and said "do you realize I'm lucky if Mrs Drama pulls into the drive way when I'm supposed to be a work and you want early? Sheyeah right. Uh that would be no." (In reality I was much more polite about it) "Okay it's cool see ya at 2" 10 minutes later. "um hi.. Bernice said she'd be more than happy to babysit your daughter." Bernice? Bernice when-you-add up-all-the-non-work-related-conversations-I've-had- with-her-and-you've-got-oh-5-minutes -of-conversation Bernice? Bernice whom my daughter has never met? Bernice who would most definitely snoop around my house and discover my porn, and other seedy items? (yes there are many, and all will be revealed in time) Sure that sounds swell... are you effin kidding me? I think my actual response was "what?! pfft.. uh.. pfft..uhhh..what?!..pfft noooo"

Best part about it is that later on I was given a hard time about not being welcoming of Bernice's services! Sorry folks I'm not going to apologize for who I allow and don't allow to care for my daughter in my absence. You got a problem with that well there's the door. Don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out. Funny how even after all this time I'm still amazed by how completely daft some people can be.

For now though I've got about 3 asses to kiss fantastic potential babysitters to woo tomorrow. So keep your fingers crossed. Are there any other mama's that have been here? What did you do?

Watch Your Mouth

I've learned a lot these past few weeks being the stay at home parent for the first time. There's so much more going on with my kid than I ever imagined. This past week she's been throwing out the sentences like a mad woman. "no Zoe!" (our new puppy) "I poopied mommy...Stinkie!" "are you hungry?" "what you wanna watch?"
or my favorites "Come ON!!" and "What's up butt" (her take on her dad always saying to her.."what's up monkey butt")

How can it be that I'm just completely I love with this this smart, funny, affectionate kid one second. And completely ready to tie her to the nearest tree wilst I get to enjoy 2 minutes in a world without tantrums the next? It feels like overnight she went from this drooling, babbling awkward toddler to this sentence speaking, attitude throwing KID.

I've learned a lot about myself these past few weeks can anyone spare a prozac? Most of all I've learned I really have to watch what I say around Stella. You see long ago when Ned and I were in the throes of the first-time-parents-we'll-do-it-better-than-them elitism. God we were pompous jerks! One of the crazy notions that we had was that we would never censor ourselves infront of our kids. Infact we got a kick out of Stella saying "Chit" and "breakin ma bawlz" thanks dad But lately she's been throwing out the "Shut Ups" and today while I was cleaning up puppy poop for the umpteenth time I distinctly heard her say "goddammit Zoe" thanks mom And well... I don't like it when my little girl says that. One hot plate of crow coming up. I of all people know how powerful words are. I also know how destructive they can be if you don't understand their meaning. Stella understands about 90% of the words she knows. And there are a million other words I would rather her know that those. I keep thinking about how that space those words have laid claim to in her brain could have been better used for other more useful words. Like "my mommy rocks" or "girls rule" or "George Bush is the Devil"

And while I don't see myself cleaning up my sailor mouth anytime soon, I know I've got to try harder to make sure she learns all those other more important words and phrases. Like "frozen or on the rocks Mommy" and "I love Coldplay no matter what Daddy says" So I leave you now take the walk of shame yet again "we'll never let the TV babysit our daughter", "we'll never let her have chicken nuggets or french fries" to the alter of "never EVER say NEVER!"

Casualties of Parenthood

One of the biggest & best pieces of advice that was kept from me while I was pregnant with Stella was that I would kiss just about all of my old friends goodbye shortly after Stella's arrival. I think that should be one, if not the only piece of advice that should be given to a woman in her pregnancy. Wait..nobody warned me about the stitches, but then I can't bring myself to warn a first time pregnant woman about this horrid event as I would have to relive it, so I can't say that I blame them.

But I digress...

I wish someone, anyone would have told me that just about every friend I had would fade from my life. For one reason or the other. Either they can't understand just how encompassing your child can be. Or even if they've figured out how to manage life with their kids they refuse to give you the learning time. Or worse yet, I wasn't able to figure out before it was too late, how to find the time to nurture friendships. One by one, people I thought would be in my life forever or at least for years to come have just become....Casualties of Parenthood.

And it hurts, it hurts mighty bad to know that situations, that my own action (or lack thereof), and mere circumstance has meant the end of the road for certain relationships. One lifelong friendship took a serious hit while I was in the depths of postpartum depression. She wasn't married and had never been pregnant and she just didn't understand why I couldn't find the time to talk to her. How can you explain to someone (who's never been there), postpartum depression? How do you correctly convey the fog your life becomes, the helplessness? How can you explain to them that you are so manic with love for your baby one second and ready to run down the street screaming for anyone...someone to save you from it all the next? That finding the energy to talk to anyone let alone your best friend, well it just doesn't exist then.

After my maternity leave I went back to work full time plus infinity. I was going days without seeing my daughter and was lucky to get a goodnight kiss from my husband. My job demanded a lot of emotional energy, so by the time I came home I just wanted to shut the door on the world and everyone else but my little family they were the only sane thing I could hold onto. Instead I shut the door on my career. (Enter another world flipping event. ) There has been many many months of just figuring it all out, trying to balance it all (including the checkbook)

My close friends have long understood that I go through these weird little "I need to be by myself" moments. But my life is not my own anymore, well I still own about a tenth of it. And just when I feel like I've gotten a grip on being a wife, mother, and worker bee. I realize that I've loosened my grip on a friend. I wish they knew just how terrified I was (and still am) to open my mouth to my closest friends for fear of what would come out.

The amazing thing to me is that you see women who do it all they make time for friends, family AND work. Only recently did I see the common denominator that happens sometimes in those mothers; They A) made those friendships after the entrance of baby number 1 and B) they typically live in the neighborhood. Not 45 minutes away (as my closest friend does)

Of course once the damage has been done it just gets harder and harder to get back to solid ground with them. It gets to a point you have to ask yourself is it better to just let them go, let them move on with their lives than to keep being a shitty friend? As much as my heart aches to think about walking away from them, they deserve so much more than my apologies. More importantly I can't stand the thought of hurting them anymore and I just can't see how to make it right again. It hurts when your life begins on a new path and as much as you reach for them they just can't come with you.

The Granny Conspiracy

Recently The Hubby went back to work full time as a wine master on a local vineyard (very cool story I'll fill you in on later). I will begin to pull back on my full time work duties as Gal Friday for the town of Columbia. In light of these events we've had to rely on Grandma for childcare more in the past few weeks that we have since Stella came into our life. Ned and I used to joke that we had to "de-program" Stella after a visit with 'ghangi' & 'paw-paw'. She comes back to us so defiant and full of diva attitude that we spend the better part of two days just disciplining her back into shape. She spends a lot of time in her room during these moments. Yesterday after my mom left from a day of babysitting and the snotty behaivor began. Lately I've been attributing it to the "Terrible Two's" that will officially begin a week from today. But after seeing them together, and seeing how my mom handles her or doesn't handle her for that matter. I can't help but wonder if the whole Terrible Two's (& Three's so I hear) aren't really a product of Grandma getting her revenge on mommy for all the shit I caused her as a teenager.

Stay with me on this one. Think about it. Grandma's are "supposed to spoil" right? Why is that the norm? Why can't they be disciplinarians? Why can't they support the structure that Mommy and Daddy both work very hard to create? What if there is a secret granny society that swaps tips on how to completely reverse any and all progress you make as parents. All in some attempt to get their kids back for all the torture we've caused them... My kid is only two and I already think I'd join that society when or if I ever become a granny. That has to be it. It's not them testing their boundaries or struggling with communication issues. It's grandma stealthily weaving this web of chaos. It's years of payback being cashed in!

"Sure Stella you can have those Cheetos" = Take that Frances for all those nights you snuck out.
"Now what do we do when Mommy or Daddy says no? That's right Stella we scream! SCREAM to the top of your lungs!" = That's for the misfit, pot smoking, trouble making boyfriend you dated sophmore year in high school.
"Aww you want to play on the computer and fuck it up beyond repair your so cute!" = That's for all the times you interrupted my Mommy & Daddy play hide the salami time



SEE!! It all makes sense now! Well played Mrs Drama! Bravo Granny BRAVO!

Never let me slip, cause if I slip, then I'm slippin

Stop me if you've heard this one...

Yesterday, I was reminded with a phone call at 11:05 that I had a business meeting at 11am. It was a sit down with a rep from a prominent community organization. Oh yeah and did I mention that I was at home alone with Stella and Ned was off (with our only vehicle)at his new job. I grab my briefcase, grab Stella, her sippy cup coloring book and crayons. Toss them in her little red wagon and speed walk with the daughter in tow to the coffeehouse we had scheduled to meet at. I sit her down and pray to any and all available gods that she would A)Not throw a screaming fit during the course of my meeting B)Would not tear the place apart causing thousands of dollars in damage. and C)Not throw a screaming fit during the course of my meeting.

I sit down apologize profusely and let them know that my daughter was in the building (you know in case of the screaming) She runs over about 2 minutes in and tries to grab my hand so that she could lead me to whatever it was she wanted to show me. I smile and try to distract her with my pen. I break out in a cold sweat in anticipation of the potential screaming fit. Luckily She gets bored and runs away.

3 minutes later While praising my collegue's organization and the benefits it could bring to my community Stella brings me the plastic grapes from a gift basket (don't ask)

A minute later Stella comes to me asking for milk. "Milk... Miiilk...MILLLLLK." The cold sweat breaks out again. Reminding me once again that she is and always will be more important than any meeting.

In the end and with minimal interruption. I make it through the meeting and Stella doesn't break anything. And the nice patrons of the coffeeshop are spared the blood curling torture of "Screaming 101" courtesy of proffessor Stella B.

Mommy learns that she needs to get her shit together and pronto.

Conversations with Stella

Let me start by saying that Stella says NO to everything but not a quick little No it's a sweet little Noooooo (with a smile) she knows how to say yes but she just prefers NO. Let me also tell you that she has comic timing unlike anyone one I have ever met. Picture it dinner time and all three of us are sitting at the table. All serene and Donna Reed Like... I decide to strike up my usual conversation with her asking about her day and what not.

Me: Stella, did you have fun with Daddy today?

Stella: Noooooo

Me: Stella did you go for a long walk with daddy in you new wagon? (they did)

Stella: Noooooo

Me: No? Stella do you love mama?

Stella: Noooooo

Me: NO?? Stella do you love Daddy?

Stella: Noooooo

Me: Well Stella does Daddy beat you?

Stella: Yesss!

*I kid you not...Ned instantly does that cliche choke on your food response. HIGH-larious I tell ya.