A Ton of Bricks

Today the hubby and I had a discussion the type of which has been commonplace in our house for sometime. We want to move away. Want to live a better life. Want to stop living essentially paycheck to paycheck. Now I'm not asking for millions. I would be oh so happy with laying my head down each night not worrying about what bill I'm going to have to extend until my next paycheck. "Oh the electric bill came in today? I don't get paid until next week but lets just stroke that check out right now so we don't have to worry about it..." That would be domestic bliss. I like things minimal. I don't need a cell phone or fancy cars. This kind of scenario should not be so hard for me make reality.
Lately, I've been deathly afraid of creating the type of home for my daughter that I grew up in. Watching my mother cry because the electricity was about to get turned off. Watching her swallow her pride and ask for money from family members. I watched my mom work a shit job in a convenience store for many years because we needed the money. She worked that job because she never thought that she could be better at anything else.
I realized today during our discussion quite accidentally that part of the reason we lived that way despite her deep desires to provide a better life for my brother and I, was because she never had faith in herself.
She never had the faith that she was smart enough. She never had the faith that she could do what she wanted. She never had the faith that she could be good at any other job.
My faith in myself has never been as strong as it should be but it's been there. I realized today... somewhere along the way it's dwindled down to nothing. When I wasn't looking walked right to the edge of "I'm never going to be good enough for x, y or z"

And I'm turning the fuck back.. Running as hard and fast as I can into anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better-land

It's amazing that as parents we forget about just how important it is that we take care of ourselves. When we focus too much on everyone else in the family we lose sight of what's going on inside. And for that, no matter how much we love them, the family suffers most of all.

After the lessons that life has taught me this week. I can't be afraid to waste one second. I can't risk for one second not giving my daughter the life she deserves. And Therefore I can't risk not creating the life I deserve.

The first step in doing that is my motto "fake it till you make it" I'll fake the faith in myself until it becomes a reality. Until the life I want becomes a reality.