I'm going to spare you the whole. "it's been forever..." All I know, is that this little blog brought me great happiness and I'm hoping that it can do so again.
So here we are a little older, perhaps a little wiser, and still just as weird. What direction this here bloggy blog takes in the coming weeks and months who knows. But what I do know is, its long overdue that I dust my spot under the lilac tree.
I'm back bitches!!!
The hubby and I felt this depression reccession brewing awhile back. We talked a lot about it and what it meant for us. At the time things were already tough dealing with reinstating the hubby's disability status & benefits, and me working a job that paid 1/2 of what I was used to. We decided then the best thing to do was to go back to school. The beauty of approaching school as a 32 year old as apposed to being an 18 year old is that you approach it from a place of practicality as apposed to a place of passion. "I'm going to be an English Major with a focus on Romanitic Literature." Not that I have a problem with schooling yourself in the things you love, but I'd be willing to bet that Starbucks coffee you bought this morning was served to you by the proud owner of an BA in English. When you're 32 and approaching school you think more about what the growing job trends are. What is going to be the field that will give me a decent paying job?
When I was a kid, my grandma used to tell me that I should go into the health care business because I had such a good heart and a caring soul. fooled ya! I remember telling her that I could never do it because the site of broken bones or massive amounts of blood make me feel faint. I wasn't too sure at the time what I wanted to do but I knew that wasn't it. Now though as I look over degrees and careers. I'm seriously thinking about it. The baby boom generation is deep in the trenches of senior citizenship and they desperately need to get their health care on.
But despite seeing the great salaries and the huge demand for things like radiologists and physical therapists. I just can't seem to check the box. I find myself gazing longingly at Web Technology Degrees and Graphic Design Programs. There is part of me that knows Grandma was right, I do have the heart for Health Care. But do I have the head? Time and Time again I've learned that in order to be successful at anything you do have to have a passion for it. If I go into Health Care the drive would come more from a need for financial security than from a need to make sick people better.
Last night, I moaned to the hubby about my dilema. He reminded me that even though times are tough, you are always most successful when you do what you truly love. That who knows what tomorrow will bring as far as the economy goes. I may not make the greatest money right away, but because I love it, because I'm passionate about it, I'll find that financial security I want for my family. Eventually.
And I realize that, maybe just maybe that Starbucks barista is currently writing the next great novel. Maybe 2 or 3 years from now they get that editor job they've wanted for so long. Or maybe they realize life wants them to go another route. But Who's to say they won't get there? That they won't find succes?
Maybe it's possible to merge passion AND practicality. My passion for web design and graphic arts is very strong. I've schooled myself above and beyond what I ever imagined possible. But the time has come to really stretch my legs really see how far I can go. Really embrace how successful I can be. The practical side is that technology is an ever growing and ever demanding field. Something even this economic downturn can't stop. I hope to find my place somewhere in the middle.
In the meantime I'm off to admissions...
There is so much whirling around my head I hardly no where to begin. Rather than wait for the moment the literary fairies sprinkle their magic dust on me and once again allow me to form a sweet little notion to post I'm just going to rattle off some thoughts of late.
I'm a simple kind of girl and I tend to gain great pleasure out of the little things. Last week I discovered an even better version of my favorite chai tea. The Stash - double spiced chai. This is an outrageously cheap way to get delicious chai whenever you want did I also mention that you also enjoy 1/100th of the calories of a starbucks chai. Pick it up immediately if you are a chai fan. Make sure to get the DOUBLE spiced. Letters of thanks can be sent too...
this is a stunt hand I wish I had fantastic fingers like that..This morning at the buttcrack of dawn I realized that it's been almost a month now since I've had more than 4 continuous hours of sleep. Recently Stella has become quite the insomniac. She usually goes down around 8pm on a good night. Sometimes it's 9 or 10 before she actually you know goes to sleep!! But starting at midnight she's up every 2 hours. Most of the time I'm so sweetly awakened by her freakishly strong arms shoving me and her yelling "WAKE UP MOMMY.... WAAAAAAKE UP!" Sometimes I awaken to her playing in the sink in the bathroom. or better yet shuffling through the liquor cabinet as documented here.
Childproof my ass!!I grew up around cars. My uncles worked on them one way or another every weekend I can remember. My grandfather when I was 15 and about to recieve my learners permit, taught me how to change a tire. He told me that I shouldn't always count on the kindness of strangers or that someone would be close by to help. I'll never forget what my grandad and my uncles taught me about cars. More often than not I can identify what's wrong with a car by certain sounds, shimmies or shakes. Now while I never learned how to fix these things I've had enough cars in my life that have taught me more than most.
Before I left for Florida I had noticed that our Trooper had started to shimmy a little. A classic sign that the Tires were going bad. We have much larger tires than I am used to and upon inspection I didn't see any real damage going on. Which made me worry that it was something more serious.
Finally we took it into a local shop that thanks to many conversations with the owner we felt confident that he would fix her right up. It took this guy 5 days and $111 in labor before he told me that it was the front differential and that he didn't have the tools to fix it. He also had the balls to tell me that he tried to open the differential housing using inappropriate tools in the hopes he could fix it. So let me get this straight there are special tools for an Izuzu Trooper. You are the owner and the orderer of tools, why the hell couldn't you tell me when it rolled in. "I wish I could but I just don't have what I need to work on a foreign car" instead of waiting 5 mother effin days. So I do a little research and find a guy with some good reviews one town over. I get the Trooper towed and this guys calls to say hell no it's not the differential but.... wait for it. THE TIRES! I explain to him that I have a rental car and time is beacoup money he says he understands and that he has ordered the tires and it will be ready by "tommorrow after lunch" I go to bed thinking FINALLY we found a good one.
So it's now 2:35pm and I call and the guy that's been doing the work is out to lunch. I find out that my tires did not "come in on the truck" and that it will be FRIDAY before they can get the tires I need. Yeah, needless to say I'm a little upset, needless to say I'm ready to kick some greasy mechanic butt.
Sad thing is last night we were ready to go out of our way to give this guy more of our business. If he was a kosher as he seemed to be we were going to stick with him despite the would be hour commute to his location.
I want to believe there are good mechanics, guys who aren't about jacking up prices and leaving your car a little worse so you'll have to come back. Mechanics that really understand that you need to be back on the road as soon as possible. But in two days I've dealt with two nightmare mechanics. And the past two before that have been just as horrible. It seems to me that if they just realized that if they gave their customer reliable, efficent service we'd be back over and over. Why do they insist on squeezing every dime they can out of you? For some they have to sacrifice their cars because of enormous bills. (The reason you should run if you see an Auto Shop with tons of cars parked around it.)
It never ceases to amaze me, the fact that such sleazy practices continue to run rampant. That's why I hope to teach Stella more than I know about a car. To teach her how to change a tire. Perhaps she can then walk into a shop and say you need to fix this no if and's or butts. She will know all too well that 9 out of 10 mechanics are complete douches out to pull a fast one.
So I've decided to take the proverbial plunge. I've read a lot about NaBloPoMo and I think it might be a welcome challenge. Besides it seems to be a right of passage for many of the bloggers I love. I figured why not give it a shot? So everyday for the month of November you're guaranteed a little strange delight. Yeah, try to contain your excitement.
On a side note Halloween oh so much fun! Look for some pics tomorrow - hey I have to stretch it out I've got 29 days left ya know.
Quitting a job has never been my forte' I will usually stick it out for months... nay years longer than I need to. I've known many people who have told their employers to shove it and walk right out the door. This kind of change scares the bejezus out of me. I think this ethic (if you will) has only been solidified since I became a mother. It takes a whole helluva lot for me to say "you know what why don't you just shove this job right up your ass because I'm done". Actually I've really only said that once. (I'm a nice two week notice kind of gal)
I may talk a good game but in some aspects of my life I am so non-confrontational. It's so strange, I can tell friends, family members sometimes complete strangers to shove it. But when it's comes to employment. I get walked all over. Outside of work I'm a complete non conformist. But once I punch that clock it's a completely different story. I will put up with so much crap and not say a single word.
And when I'm no longer happy at a job rather than saying you know... "I'm not happy" I will find some way to self-sabotage. My performance will take a nosedive, I'll miss deadlines. Just do all around sub-par work. Which is NOT like me. I usually give like a million percent. It hit me today that I've begun to check out at my current job. For a miriad of reasons. One of them being that I no longer have the time to work on the projects I want too and it's been that way for months. In a pre-Stella time I would have spent endless undocumented hours to accomplish my goals. (And I know that nothing would please my current employer more.) But now in this day and age. That's just not an option. Deep down inside I know this is all my sub-conscious doing the talking for me.
The reality is however that letting someone else be the bad guy because I've become a bad employee is just a disgraceful cop out. And frankly I really need to grow a pair in the taking what I want out of life and my career department. If I'm not happy at a job I need to speak up or get the fuck out. If I'm allowing someone to take advantage of me I need to nip it in the bud and stop being all "golly gee I really am tired from working double shifts three days in a row, but I know you need me- please don't fire me"
I recognize that in any job you will have moments where you do something you're not all that interested in undertaking that's why it's called WORK. But at the same time I'm a firm believer that you should derive some kind of enjoyment. So what's the solution? Work for myself? Create a job where I do the things I want to do? Am I anywhere near that disciplined?
Maybe if I google "how to grow a pair" I'll have some luck.
Today the hubby and I had a discussion the type of which has been commonplace in our house for sometime. We want to move away. Want to live a better life. Want to stop living essentially paycheck to paycheck. Now I'm not asking for millions. I would be oh so happy with laying my head down each night not worrying about what bill I'm going to have to extend until my next paycheck. "Oh the electric bill came in today? I don't get paid until next week but lets just stroke that check out right now so we don't have to worry about it..." That would be domestic bliss. I like things minimal. I don't need a cell phone or fancy cars. This kind of scenario should not be so hard for me make reality.
Lately, I've been deathly afraid of creating the type of home for my daughter that I grew up in. Watching my mother cry because the electricity was about to get turned off. Watching her swallow her pride and ask for money from family members. I watched my mom work a shit job in a convenience store for many years because we needed the money. She worked that job because she never thought that she could be better at anything else.
I realized today during our discussion quite accidentally that part of the reason we lived that way despite her deep desires to provide a better life for my brother and I, was because she never had faith in herself.
She never had the faith that she was smart enough. She never had the faith that she could do what she wanted. She never had the faith that she could be good at any other job.
My faith in myself has never been as strong as it should be but it's been there. I realized today... somewhere along the way it's dwindled down to nothing. When I wasn't looking walked right to the edge of "I'm never going to be good enough for x, y or z"
And I'm turning the fuck back.. Running as hard and fast as I can into anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better-land
It's amazing that as parents we forget about just how important it is that we take care of ourselves. When we focus too much on everyone else in the family we lose sight of what's going on inside. And for that, no matter how much we love them, the family suffers most of all.
After the lessons that life has taught me this week. I can't be afraid to waste one second. I can't risk for one second not giving my daughter the life she deserves. And Therefore I can't risk not creating the life I deserve.
The first step in doing that is my motto "fake it till you make it" I'll fake the faith in myself until it becomes a reality. Until the life I want becomes a reality.
How Freakin Cool Is This.... The mix tape is back baby!
Oh I'm so gonna start mailing my friends mix tapes again... Beautimus!
Today I found out that this frequent customer... a VERY nice guy is quite possibly getting a divorce. Now I have a friend who is also having trouble in her marriage. Is it wrong of me to want to set them up? I think they'd be perfect for each other.
Keep in mind I've never set up friends before but these two if the situation was conducive. Man I think they'd be very happy together.
