Ode to Deafness

This weekend I watched "Immortal Beloved" for the first time since my late teens (a long long time ago folks ). I remember in my youth being overwhelmed by the love story and weeping desperately at the the scene where Herr Schindler leaves Johanna with her letter. This time these oh so many years later I found myself weeping desperately at this scene.

(watch to around 2:15 for THE scene - but the whole thing is awesome too)

I've been much more open about my deafness these past few years, which has made life (and communicating) much easier for me. And I'll shout from the rooftops again and again just how amazing my dear friends and family have been about it. However,I haven't shared with too many of you that over these past few months I have noticed a huge decrease in the hearing I do have. This was to be expected as mine is a degenerative type of loss. And I have an appointment to have the internal volume increased in my hearing aids in the next few weeks. It will also be the first time in over 2 years I've had an audiogram done. I know my "S" has dropped, just how far remains to be seen. With that said I've been trying to stay upbeat about all of it, but tonight watching "Beethoven" lay his head on the piano in the hopes of hearing the notes. Those moments when it became apparent to his audience that he couldn't hear his beautiful music being played. The countless times I couldn't hear the music I knew in my head was playing onscreen. And finally during the Ode to Joy, what I consider to be his masterpiece, to have them show what it most likely would have been like for him. Just shattered my heart into a million pieces and filled me with fear.

I know I still have a few good years left and I embrace them fully. But for this one moment I let myself feel the incredible dread knowing that someday I won't be able to hear the music I love so much, the voices of the loved ones that fill my heart with joy. I felt scared; what will it be like? what will become of me?

But who knows the advances that will be made in audiology in the years to come? I already have the type of hearing aid that my father and grandfather couldn't have dared dreamed of. And now as I listen to "Ode to Joy" this time a little louder, I realize something bigger... that it will still be in my soul; the music, those voices, and they will be as sweet and beautiful as they ever were. And I was a little less afraid.