Birthday Cards

I've talked about my relationship with my biological father from time to time over the years on this blog (see "Papa Can You Hear Me?"). Our relationship, for the first time since my pre-teens, is now one of warmth and compassion, at least from my perspective. Warm, but distant, and that is how I prefer it and something tells me it is how he prefers it as well. After all these years this is really the only way we know how to navigate each other. So much time has passed I finally realized that I had to make peace with the fact that I will never truly understand him, nor he, I. Getting to that place was HUGE for me. On those very very rare occasions that we do talk, I allow myself to feel my love for him. When I say "I love you" I do mean it as much as I can when it comes to he and I.

I made a decision while I was pregnant with Stella that no matter how things improved or didn't with my biological dad. That I did not want him in her life. It was such a difficult thing to do. But the chance of her heart being broken by him is just too high. His involvement in my life was so fleeting and confusing I refused to risk that with Stella.

Being a parent means being there for the good and the bad no matter what, no matter how many hours you worked, no matter what life throws your way. My "Step-father", the man I know as and call "Dad" was there even when I pushed him away. This is the man that Stella knows as her grandfather, he has been there from the moment she took her first breath and she has him wrapped around her finger. Its such a beautiful thing seeing them together. You could not ask for a better grandfather and I knew he would be, And after years of being a total shit towards him, it has been the only and best way of honoring him... She is his and his alone.

Eventhough, I made this decision, I have from time to time sent pictures or updates on Stella. I do this partly because of the compassion I feel, but mostly in honor of my grandmother who would have kicked my ass if I didn't at least make these small gestures. And yes, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some small part of me that does it to remind him of the consequences of his choices when it comes to our relationship. Ultimately though, although he would never ever admit it, he knows that his role and any claim he has to Stella is non-existent.

Over the years he has sent cards on her birthday but she of course could never read them and so it was easy to omit the details of their origins. But now she is oh so inquisitive about everything especially family and where she came from and how our family came to be. It still blows her mind to know that "Ghangi" is my mom. That she took care of me when I was her age. She has only ever known me calling "Paw Paw" Dad. And now she can read and read very well.

A few days ago my biological dad called and we exchanged pleasantries, but anxieties set in when he told me that a birthday card for Stella was on the way. This is such a metaphor for my relationship with him in my youth. He sends a sweet wonderful card that's full of love and often times money. And you think "Oh my goodness he does love me!! See it says right here "you are never far from my heart and thoughts" I'm going to call him right now and find out when he's coming to get me..." only to be met with excuses and nary a phone call, letter, or one on one time until my next birthday or Christmas card.

I know its going to inevitably say "Grandaughter" on it and it too will be filled with words of love and rainbows. So now my head is filled with "then what?"s. Do I try to explain it all to her? She has this fantastic, beautiful idea as to what a grandfather is supposed to be. She will immediately expect an explanation as to why this new grandfather isn't in her life. But like my reasons for not informing her of his existence I know that this card too is fleeting. He will never have to answer her questions. He will never have to take responsibility. Nor do I want him to. Because I know he will tell her what she wants to hear and whatever it takes to smooth things over for the moment but in the end he will never back it up. Its just not in him. So do I keep the card from her? Do I save it and give it to her when I she can wrap her head around it? Do I give it to her and hope for the best? Or do I wait and listen to my heart when its in my hands?

OY #1,789,546

If you were in my local Target at 11:40 today..Yeah that was me and my daughter.. Sorry about that.

The visit started off well. She was walking around saying "Hi, How are you?" to everyone. It was supposed to be a quick trip to the pharmacy. On the way back out she decided she wanted a snack. We were in a hurry so I said no. She goes hippy protester on me and starts wailing "Snnnnnaaaaacck" wanting to now expedite our exit I pick her up and she immediately starts yelling "HELP! HELLLLP ME! HELP" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I was grateful that I had her id on me and I was completely expecting someone to stop me.

We made it out and home, and I realized with pride. That either my daughter is just too damn smart for her own good or someday she will win an Oscar.

Pre-Emptive Strike

"My theory is that when it comes to important subjects, there’s only two ways a person can answer. For instance, there’s two kinds of people in this world, Elvis people and Beatles people. Now Beatles people can like Elvis. And Elvis people can like the Beatles. But nobody likes them both equally." Mia-Pulp Fiction

I am without a doubt a Beatles person which is a serious bone of contention in the home of my hardcore Elvis lovin' parents. One of my earliest, warmest memories of my childhood would have to be listening to my friends' dad play Beatles tunes on the piano. Now that I think about it, this is probably one of the first places my deep love for music was rooted. And as beautiful as Beatles music is, there was something about hearing it on the piano that will always bring a feeling of happiness over me.

Recently, while visiting our favorite burger joint (that's decorated in a very retro fashion) we somehow found ourselves in the "elvis" booth. Of course this was only because the "Beatles" booth was a little dirty. All of a sudden Stella starts pointing to the pictures and proudly saying "elvis, elvis, elvis" She might as well put a stake through my heart. We immediately got up and reseated ourselves in the "Beatles" booth. I realized that if I'm not careful Stella will become an elvis person and well folks the world would most certainly end. Kidding. Okay not so much. So we've begun an onslaught of Beatles programming. In some ways initiating a kind of psychological warfare "What do you say when you see PawPaw? "Obla-Dee Obla-Dah" That's Right!!" Singing and Dancing non-stop to all things John, Paul, George and Ringo she's taken to it quite nicely. And in so many ways I've kind of fallen in love with them all over again. Lucky for me Stella responds so positively to one of my FAVORITE Beatles songs "here comes the sun" and it seems so fitting as her sweet smile will always fill my life with warm sunshine.

Wiggle Iggle Friday - Stella B-day Edition

Tomorrow is Stella's 3rd birthday, We are planning a monkey party and all her new little friends are coming over to celebrate. It's been such an emotional couple of days and I'm planning a Newsletter post for sunday. But for now in honor of Stella's big O-3 I thought I post some of her favorite songs of late

1st up "The ABC song" with India Arie (I love her voice!) and Elmo



2nd up Sid The Science Kids "Friend Song" Stella & Daddy sing this song Non-Stop, They LOVE this Show.



3rd is the Super Why theme song. Stella goes Nuts when this song plays and sings "SUPER WHY...SU-PER WHYYY!" to the top of her lungs. Daddy and I usually sing along sounding more like "super why... su-per whyyyyyy oh god why me?!"



And last but not least the hipper version of the Sesame Street them song. At first I resisted this mostly out of nostalgia but it's growing on me. And the magic is still most definitely there.


The best part about all these songs is I get to hear the sweet voice of my little girl sing them which will always be my favorite song in the world.

The Beginning Of Greatness.

The next few days are going to be tremendously emotional for me and the rest of my country. For the rest of my life I know I will view these past 8 years as the darkest my generation has ever seen perhaps some of the darkest in the history of my country. But these past 8 years are also a shining example of how we can never become complacent. The minute we become lazy, the moment we forget that this is OUR country, the moment we forget that ours is a government for the people, by the people. We allow evil, bigotry, and greed to speak for us.
I feel deep in my heart and soul that this is the eve of what will be the golden era that of which our nation has never seen. Not since its creation have you seen such involvement so many of our citizens saying and believing that they count, that they are responsible for our success or our failure. Not capitol hill, not the white house, OUR voices are the ones that matter. And no greater example can be seen than in the election of Barack Obama. This nation after so many dark days is full of hope, ready to do the work that needs to be done to create the future we deserve. It makes me feel so lucky to be alive to see so many dreams become reality.

I'm so relieved that such a dark chapter is being closed. Apprehensive about the ultimate revelation of the deeply guarded secrets of the bush administration in the years to come. But all of that is just overcome with this feeling of hope and pride that's been lost to me for so long. Hope that we really can create a better day for ourselves and our children. Hope that we can begin to heal and learn. A pride in my country, a deep pride for the MILLIONS of my fellow citizens that are now and for the rest of their lives INVOLVED in their government. Millions that have begun to look at this whole country, as their community. They now understand that it's so much more than what goes on in our neighborhoods we have to care about every single American neighborhood, every American citizen.


I've also thought a lot about what it was that Dr King witnessed when he saw the promised land. Could he have ever imagined a moment like Tuesday, January 20 2009? Could any of those millions of people that stood beside him have imagined a moment such as this? I feel so lucky to be to be a part of this place in history.

So many generations ago, American citizens felt such a deep connection with their president. Pictures were not just found in federal buildings but in schools and homes. Frankly for a time I thought such displays of presidential pride were foolish. I realize now that I was the foolish one, it was only because I never knew what that connection felt like, until now. I feel so lucky to have the kind of pride that I thought was lost generations ago.

The memory of the Joy I will feel on Tuesday, as I watch MY president's inauguration with my daughter, will stay with me for years to come. I am hopeful now that maybe I really can leave this world a better place for her. I feel blessed that she will now grow up in time when she will truly know that anything is possible. That no matter how tough things may seem today, no matter how impossible the odds. The battle can be so long but as long as we keep fighting we can and will overcome.

Attack of the 3 foot Insomniac

This morning at the buttcrack of dawn I realized that it's been almost a month now since I've had more than 4 continuous hours of sleep. Recently Stella has become quite the insomniac. She usually goes down around 8pm on a good night. Sometimes it's 9 or 10 before she actually you know goes to sleep!! But starting at midnight she's up every 2 hours. Most of the time I'm so sweetly awakened by her freakishly strong arms shoving me and her yelling "WAKE UP MOMMY.... WAAAAAAKE UP!" Sometimes I awaken to her playing in the sink in the bathroom. or better yet shuffling through the liquor cabinet as documented here.

Childproof my ass!!

Perhaps it's penance. She slept through the night for almost two years straight. I know...I know I'm lucky I got that much... But we can't figure out what to do. Is it a phase? The ringing in of the tumultuous threes? She has a routine; jammies, clean room, teeth brushing, a book, kisses from daddy then goodnight. We are hoping that it's the milk she drinks just before bed. Hoping that if we black out the window by her bed that somehow someway she'll sleep through the night again.

Either way when she's a teen and tries to sleep in on the weekend as they ALL eventually do you bet your sweet ass I'm busting into her room at 6am "WAKE UP STELLA!! WAAAAAKE UP" Maybe throw in an air horn for good measure.

Halloween Scenes

In our household Halloween is taken VERY seriously. Often Ned and I can be heard contemplating costumes year round. Next to Christmas Halloween is our favorite holiday. Much to our incredible satisfaction Stella seems to enjoy it as well. Pointing out pumpkins and monsters. And It didn't take her long before she had the whole "Trick or Treat" thing down. Of course she upon receiving said candy she would immediately dig into her bucket in the hopes that she might be able to sneak a piece. But mommy and daddy ever the party poopers had to "take out the unsafe candy" wink wink first. Here are some highlights.

Arrgh! give me yur CANDY you filthy bilge rat!


Give Me My Vote Bitches!

It was disturbing for me to discover how many people (especially young girls) who had no Idea what I was.


Mr. Ned was Ned Kelly and had so much fun with this costume he very well may be Ned Kelly For the next couple of years.

What's your Sign

Recently Kelly, Ned's Best Friend came down for a visit with her ridiculously awesome son Noah. I always love her visits and just love watching Stella and Noah play. Yes I harbor secret fantasies that Stella & Noah will fall in love when they get older. How sweet would that be?! I mean look at them!


But I digress.

Kelly is a warm, funny & mystical person. She is without a doubt the epitome of an Earth Mother. She's also a firm believer in the power of our astrological signs. She like Stella is a Pisces, and it was really interesting to hear her point out certain attributes that Stella already possesses. A love of nature (especially water), understanding, artistic, LOVING, Intuitive.

I thought what an interesting way to make sure I nurture Stella the best I can? I know all about my sign (Taurus) and I know very well that much of my personality falls in line with Taurus traits. The same is very true for Stella. I've learned that Pisces people are very creative and very intelligent. Here are some examples

Sidney Poitier - Anais Nin (AWESOME!)- George Harrison -W.H. Auden - Johnny Cash - Nicolaus Copernicus - Dr. Suess - Jean Harlow - Jane Goodall -Jack Kerouac - Albert Einstein (they actually share the same birthday)- Ruth Bader Ginsburg

I've learned that Pisces children strive when their creativity is nurtured (that's true for all children). They are imaginative and stubborn. Pisces love poetry and the arts, they love to read, they love to constantly be in touch with nature. And they LOVE the water & animals.



Yeah..total Pisces

BUCK-le UP

Parenthood is full of crazy twists and turns. One second this 3 foot tall little person can flip you upside down ready to scream for mercy at the top of your lungs. The next she leaves you beside yourself with such warmth and love. The other day I had to take Stella to an appointment (only because she needed to be there) She had been sick the past few days with cold and hadn't had much sleep the night before so I knew I had a work out ahead of me.

OH that was the understatement of the year. Screaming...Wailing... Running...Never Ending Snot Rivers and lot's of Hippie Protester maneuvers.

Hippie Protester Maneuver? These are the "I'm gonna go completely limp when the man (AKA mom & dad) try to hold me down - FIGHT THE POWER!" moves the little one likes to pull. We've all seen them, a parent holding their kid up by an arm, Or my personal favorite the kid hitting the floor and beginning a nice rolling wail.

The nice nurse was trying to ask me about 5 questions and with each one Stella got louder and louder. sob-"bye bye..." WAIL "BYE BYE!!!!!" I was doing my damnest to keep my cool and I was quite proud of my progress in spite of the major meltdown that was by now driving everyone within a 50 mile radius mad. Suddenly the nurse goes. "Mrs. B I'll call you if I need anymore information you can go now". You got to give the little one points for determination.

Also she's really started to explore lately and is getting mighty brave. Just the other day I was preparing lunch in the kitchen thinking that Stella was still coloring in the living room. When all of a sudden she appears in the kitchen waving mommy's toy around as if it were a magic wand just laughing her ass off. (insert joke here) She had snuck into our bedroom gotten into our nightstand. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I did however immediately find a new home for the contents in mommy's fun drawer. JOY

And then the same day after I decided it was movie time!! she suddenly begins to sing along with the movie. To the top of her lungs. I had to sit down and catch my breath it was such an awesome moment. I've never heard her sing before and she just did it guns blazing.
It floored me with it's preciousness. And Of course I've played that movie once a day since just to get to hear her sing it again.



Stella's Family Of Me from Frances B on Vimeo.

I freakin love it!

So one of my vices is celebrity baby blog.. why I don't know but I do have to give them credit for not being snarky but quite sweet about everyone they report on. I mainly enjoy it for the links to the occassionaly awesome kids clothes and shoes. Often they are way out of my price range. But every now and then they report on some real awesome finds. Like these tees from tuttibella

These are some that are going on the christmas list for the little one. (I only wish they made them in big kid sizes)

My particular fave is the "my mom is the bomb" and "knowledge is power!" (because schoolhouse rock was Aaaawsome!-man they don't make them like that anymore!)

Gratuitous Parental Pride

Stella was too young and fast asleep during her 1st two 4th of July Fireworks. And it was worth the wait. She kept doing this over and over again.



Stella's 1st Fireworks from Frances B on Vimeo.

The other night I was having one of my heart to hearts with my mom. There was a time not too long ago where such a thing just wasn't possible as we were both uncomfortable with each other. We talked about Stella. About how I'll never figure out how a brownie was unacceptable as a breakfast food by my mother when I was her age. But ad grand to the mother and Brownies for Breakfast what a great idea!


Somehow we started talking about how I was at that age. About growing up. And something completely unexpected happened. I said something out loud that I've been afraid to say since we found out that a little girl was growing inside of me.


I should give you a back story before we continue. When I was one month shy of my fifth birthday I was molested by my babysitters husband. I'm thirty one years old and I can still tell you what was playing on the television, what color shag carpeting they had, what color his pants were, what type of underwear he was wearing, and more. It took me a long time to make my peace with that experience. To be able to say, this happened to me but it does not own me. I accepted awhile back that I have unfortunately been left with certain scars that despite my best efforts will never heal.

When I found out I was having a girl I was full of fear about how I was going to relate to her. I have older female cousins but I have a baby brother and other younger male cousins that I'm closer too. I watched them grow I know what to expect. With girls I'm completely lost. The biggest reason being. Is that I lost my innocence at such a young age. I wasn't allowed my innocence. I wasn't allowed to grow into my maturity. I was thrown in and forced to swim. As Stella gets older. The weight of my fear begins to get heavier and heavier.

"I'm so scared that I won't be able to connect with her. To relate to her much longer"

This chokes me sometimes. Ties me up in knots. Experiences from my youth were marred by what I had went through. How can I find that place in myself, to connect with her? Perhaps I can finally live that innocent time through her. The way she looks at the world, so unafraid of anything and anyone. Seeing the good in people. Fearless. Maybe that's just one of the wonderful reasons she was sent to me. A gift. Fate, chance took innocence and youth away from you and now you get to see it, be it. And what a pair of eyes to see it through.

"Terrific" Two's

Stella turned 2 a month ago...

Oh is this year is gonna be FUN...(so much fun infact I think I'll have to jump off a bridge) Any advice on how to deal, will be immediately welcomed with my desperate open arms.

PS. Look at those balled up fists. And all because I told her to turn around and come back.

Watch Your Mouth

I've learned a lot these past few weeks being the stay at home parent for the first time. There's so much more going on with my kid than I ever imagined. This past week she's been throwing out the sentences like a mad woman. "no Zoe!" (our new puppy) "I poopied mommy...Stinkie!" "are you hungry?" "what you wanna watch?"
or my favorites "Come ON!!" and "What's up butt" (her take on her dad always saying to her.."what's up monkey butt")

How can it be that I'm just completely I love with this this smart, funny, affectionate kid one second. And completely ready to tie her to the nearest tree wilst I get to enjoy 2 minutes in a world without tantrums the next? It feels like overnight she went from this drooling, babbling awkward toddler to this sentence speaking, attitude throwing KID.

I've learned a lot about myself these past few weeks can anyone spare a prozac? Most of all I've learned I really have to watch what I say around Stella. You see long ago when Ned and I were in the throes of the first-time-parents-we'll-do-it-better-than-them elitism. God we were pompous jerks! One of the crazy notions that we had was that we would never censor ourselves infront of our kids. Infact we got a kick out of Stella saying "Chit" and "breakin ma bawlz" thanks dad But lately she's been throwing out the "Shut Ups" and today while I was cleaning up puppy poop for the umpteenth time I distinctly heard her say "goddammit Zoe" thanks mom And well... I don't like it when my little girl says that. One hot plate of crow coming up. I of all people know how powerful words are. I also know how destructive they can be if you don't understand their meaning. Stella understands about 90% of the words she knows. And there are a million other words I would rather her know that those. I keep thinking about how that space those words have laid claim to in her brain could have been better used for other more useful words. Like "my mommy rocks" or "girls rule" or "George Bush is the Devil"

And while I don't see myself cleaning up my sailor mouth anytime soon, I know I've got to try harder to make sure she learns all those other more important words and phrases. Like "frozen or on the rocks Mommy" and "I love Coldplay no matter what Daddy says" So I leave you now take the walk of shame yet again "we'll never let the TV babysit our daughter", "we'll never let her have chicken nuggets or french fries" to the alter of "never EVER say NEVER!"

Newsletter Month Twenty-Four (a la Dooce)

Dear Stella,

Yesterday you turned 2 years old. Almost daily I am reminded of how much you flipped my world upside down for the better, but never more so on your birthday. Something tells me that feeling never goes away, infact I think it will only intensify the older you get. I can't remember my life much before you came into it. I can't remember a time when your laugh, your smile, your sweet little voice was not a part of my day to day. And a day without those wonderful gifts is a day not worth living. You blow me away on a daily basis with your smarts, comic timing, and warmth. I feel so lucky that you chose me to be your mother. And while sometimes I fail, I try everyday to be the mother you deserve. Because my dear sweet wonderful daughter, my world is better place because you are in it.

I've thought alot about how far you've come. And where you will take your dad and I in the year to come. How your dad and I have to get on our game, because just when we think we are ahead you do something that floors us. While we may give you a hard time for your incredible bull headedness. Deep down I never want you to loose that sense of direction that sense of knowing what you want and doing whatever it takes to get it. Most of all I hope you never lose your sense of humor. I promise to do my best not to loose mine. Even when your in your bad poetry-dark clothes-"my parents just don't get it" years. That is of course if you haven't already sent in to Child Protective Services, the daily record you keep of how your dad and I don't let you get your way.

To whom It may concern: Today my mommy wouldn't let me watch Shrek for the 8th time, I think you will agree that this is certainly grounds for a new mommy placement, preferably one that will give me lots of cookies and let me tear pages out of books. Sincerely, Stella

Hear Me Rawwwrrr okay more like meow

Do you ever have those moments when being around women in their late teens and early twenties when you want to shake them and go "This is all going to mean jack shit to you in 5 years get over it!"

The young women of today either scare me or encourage me. I see a generation of women either smart & empowered or superficial & materialistic. There is no real middle ground and that scares the crap out of me. Young women who are more focused on blinging out their cellphones, beating up some "bitch" that flirted with their boyfriend or dressing up their pets than discovering their natural strengths and smarts as women. More concerned about keeping their man than learning. More concerned about being taken care of than taking care of themselves.

I'm reminded of the fanzine days in my youth when one of the zines I was a contributor for published this henious piece by a girl who said that feminist were bitter fat girls who couldn't get laid. It drives me up the wall when people especially women buy into this notion that feminisim is driven by these misfit fat girls who are just angry at all the men and pretty girls in the world. The women's movement was real and made up of women from all walks of life. And like any civil rights that so many fought (and died) hard for, once won you can't just let the ship run on auto pilot. You have to make use of your rights, exercise them, because believe it or not they can get taken away in an instant. I am a feminist I feel that if a woman finds her great joy in life in being simply a mother and wife then more power to you sister that's beautiful that's her right. If a woman wants to be president of the united states that's just as much her right and she shouldn't have to jump through any more hoops than the next guy to get it.

I see girls using their sexuality to get what they want at earlier and earlier ages. Sexuality in my book is only as powerful as the brains behind the T & A. These girls just don't see that it's so much more than just showing cleavage or kissing a girl for shock value. That just leads to no one ever taking you seriously. And trust me one day that's all you'll want. The smarter you are about your sexuality the more fullfillment you should get in return. And I think that's what dissapoints me the most is that I see a generation of women getting nothing back and the boys getting all the service and more than an eyeful.

As a mother to a daughter I struggle often with how I'm going to help her achieve that strong balance. Recently she's been fascinated by my breasts. I've told her that they were how mommy fed her when she was a baby that they helped make her big and strong. Sometimes I joke that they are a great source of super human powers never to be taken likely. (It's true but you must use them wisely). I want her to blaze her own trail and never follow. Be the princess that saves herself. And for me thats a tall order for a woman to deliver with her own feminine insecurities to fight. But dammit I'm going to try, maybe I'll learn a little something myself along the way.