Sometimes Stillness Can Be A Good Thing

It's been almost a month since my last blog post. Today I got an e-mail from Steph over at Praise the Mother asking me where the hell I have been. It's easy to get wrapped up in life sometimes and forget that your blog is sometimes the only connection you have to some of the great people in your life.

Life has been incredible, bittersweet, standing-on-the-edge-of-a-cliff-about-to-jump kind of exciting. It's also been scary, its always darkest before the dawn-ish. It's hard to know where to begin. The hearing aids are fantastic, EXHAUSTING, but fantastic. (which is one of many reason's I've been MIA) The last week has really been the only time that I haven't come home from a busy day and passed out from mental exhaustion. It's been a big test, a huge learning experience, and it has opened up a world of opportunity I have never known my adult life. My confidence has grown exponentially, as far as meeting new people, working, and just going through day to day situations. I firmly believe that the arrival of my hearing aids was the beginning to one of the best chapters of my life.

School starts soon, and I have a great new job, making the best money I've ever made, which isn't saying much but still. Ned is getting better and better, we still have those not so good days but the progress is there.

The incredibly trippy thing is, that while things are falling into place, our present situation is a tough one. We've had to juggle bills, rob peter to pay paul (as my mom puts it), depleat our savings to a very sad amount. And it SUCKS! But the promised land is just around the corner, and the days go by so very slow. But we will get there. That is what is so refreshing, I have no superstition or anxious uncertainty. I know I am walking this path, these are the good things I am welcoming into my life and I am not afraid. I never thought I would say that, but it's true.

Another reason for my absence is the birth of a new blog. I've been exercising and eating well and thusfar lost 25lbs. It's basically my daily journal, nothing to fancy or exciting but taking my bloggy time none the less. But I promise to take the time and sit under the lilac tree with more frequency in the future. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Hello Lover...I've Been Waiting For Oh So Long

In 2-4 weeks a new world will open up for me. I cannot tell you how long the journey has been to these. It was nice to finally get some good news in the wake of all the bad these days.

Wiggle Iggle Friday

This one is going out to Ned & Stella

In an attempt to be more honest

My blog has not been the only thing I've neglected of late. There have been a few close friends that I've pushed away. In the interest of staying honest with myself and learning how to be more open with those that love me, about my feelings. I sent this recently to 3 very special friends that have been in my life for 10 plus years that I found myself pushing away lately.

This letter also lays it out the reason for my absence as of late.

I hope you don't think less of me by sending this to a few others but this is something that needs to be said to all of you.
I have so much to say its hard to know where to begin. Recently it was made aware to me that I’ve been this person that everyone else finds it so easy to turn to when the seas of life get rough, yet when the storm clouds close in on me, I don’t give those who love me the chance to help me weather the storm.

This is me, reaching out.

It would be a mute point to tell you that things have not been right with me for a long time. It all started about 2 years ago. Sure there has been a few rays of sunshine, there has been calm seas. But hindsight is always 20 /20 and I’ve realized that its always been on the surface, I’ve just been pushing it deeper and deeper. Recently someone said that it feels like they have been pushing all these bad things down in a bottle. Just shoving them down just to get by, just to function. They packed it so tight that it has burst, shattered beyond repair. This person is my husband. My bottle has not yet shattered but it's most certainly cracked.

There have been things that I’ve hidden, from myself and from you. Partly from shame, partly because I kept telling myself “fake it till you make it..” The first thing is my hearing. I didn’t want to have the problems I did. I could see my father and grandfather and know how bad it was going to get. And I just couldn’t accept that that was the road I was going to head down. It was a joke, “Fran hears what she wants to hear” “how can you ear a pin drop from another room but can’t hear me when I call you?” And heaven help me I really wanted it to be in my head. I’ve come to the cold hard realization that it’s not. And I’ve done a lot of damage to my life because of my ignorance. I’ve avoided friends and social and/or professional situations all because I felt like a leper. So many of those I love have no idea the severity of my social phobia, they’ve known something was legitimately wrong with my hearing (it’s obvious and I know that) But do you realize that over the years there have been entire conversations I have winged. Grasping at straws to try and piece together what you were trying to relay to me? And the past two years it’s gotten worse. Much worse. I wouldn’t wish my worse enemy what I’ve experienced at times. There was one day when Stella and I were alone for a while; I was in the kitchen and doing a few errands outside as she was supposed to be sleeping. I realized that she had been down for a while and I hadn’t heard a peep. I walked in to her room and never before and never since had she been so distraught. She had been crying, screaming for quite awhile. And I never heard her. I was in the same house and I couldn’t hear her. My nightmares are filled with the cries I walked into that day. My hearing is VERY VERY bad. I have what is called reverse slope hearing loss. And if my “slope” went forward, I would have a speech impediment. That‘s how bad it is. And I’ve been told that my hearing could be slightly (he said emphasis on the slightly) better to that of my legally deaf father, or it could be worse. That because my loss is genetic I can look to him as a here is where you're going to be 20 years from now. I’ve only very recently embraced this, embraced the fact by trying to ignore it all these years has been more of a handicap than being deaf will ever be. Hearing aids are in the works, as well as sign language classes. Learning to enjoy social situations again, that’s taking some time but I know I’ll get there.

Here comes the second and perhaps biggest thing I need you to know

Ned had a nervous breakdown about a year and a half ago. I can’t say that one particular thing caused it. At the time there were things, things that we really couldn’t control, that cracked that bottle. Knowing what I know now, this was going to happen whether or not those things came to pass or not. He was suicidal, and we for a few weeks seriously considered hospitalizing him. He started therapy and for a little while the seas calmed. We would go a few weeks and then the storms would come raging back in. I battened down the hatches and locked out the world. I couldn’t break down to anyone, less I would lose the strength my daughter needed. Less I lose the strength I needed to get out of bed in the morning. And life, not giving a damn what you are going through at home also smacked me around. We lived in a town that when you fiercely protect details about your life, people in that town decide that you must have something to hide and make up their own theories about you. And the pressure from home and work just pushed me to a point where I was not handling anything-well AT ALL. Again, it’s life; I know that it’s never meant to be perfect. But soon between Ned’s breakdown and some other situations we decided to leave as soon as possible to start fresh, we didn’t expect the grass to be greener, just perhaps the weather would be a little nicer.

And it was for a short time. And heaven help me, I meant no disrespect by not calling or contacting you. But I had my happy family back for the first time in a long time. And I didn’t want to waste a second of it. Probably because somewhere down inside I knew it wouldn‘t last.

Two weeks ago. After one of the most vicious fights in our marriage, my husband broke. We immediately took him to the hospital; both his sister and I feared that his tumor had returned. His behavior was so unlike him. I had been fighting this fear for a few months as he had been getting sick and his migraines were getting worse. The scan came back clear but this meant that it was psychological.

See after Ned’s 1st breakdown, I found out that his parents are bipolar. The stories I had heard about them, and the experiences of a bipolar friend I had a few years back didn’t jive with the experiences I was having with Ned. Plus his previous psychiatrist told us that he suffered from severe depression and anxiety. But I’m sitting in the hospital with Ned that night and the Psychiatrist starts asking a particular set of questions and one by one the pieces start falling into place. He was finally diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. And he was hospitalized for a week. He’s begun what will be a lifetime of medications. But this is just the beginning of a long road for the both of us. For I have to help my heart learn as my head now knows that the horrible words that often came from his mouth (there was NEVER any physical violence) were not coming from the man that I married. I relayed that night in the hospital, the things he had said to me during our fight and Ned was flabbergasted and distraught that he would ever say such things to me. He doesn’t remember them. And countless doctors since have told me that he didn‘t mean them. It was in fact, his illness. But when these things were going on how could I come to you and tell you what he said to me? Somewhere inside I knew that it wasn’t him. But I also knew that if I repeated it to you that most of you would have told me to leave. Yes, I put up with it so much longer than I needed to. But I didn’t know what I was up against. And as Ned so elegantly puts it, “it’s hard to see the forest when you‘re standing amongst the trees” Ned has handled this so pro-actively. He’s educating himself; he understands the importance of his medications and therapies. He in no way wants Stella to have the same kind of family life he had. And I have made it very clear to him that if he doesn’t remain pro-active about his treatment, that Stella and I are gone. For She and I can no longer live in the kind of house we were living in. Again, he was never physically abusive. But the verbal abuse, the paranoia, the weeks of depression was really starting to get ugly. And my daughter is much too beautiful and wonderful to grow up in that kind of house. But I'm so happy to tell you though, that the Ned I love is beginning to appear again. We are laughing again. He is more patient and supportive. We are healing. Again the road will be a long one. But as long as he works hard, I will always do the same.

So here we are. We are both going to be utilizing our time here. Where the future takes us we shall see. But I know now that I cannot live my life trying to protect Ned from the world nor the world from Ned. That my happiness my fulfillment is just as important as it was before he was in my life. So I’m diving in again. And I’m nervous, excited, scared, but invigorated.

I’ve been neglectful of so many things for these two reasons. One of the most important “things” has been you. Please know from the bottom of my heart I never meant you harm. And I’m sorry I never gave you the opportunity to be there for me. I’m hoping that some day I can make it up to you.

Yours always,
Frances

I'm borrowing this one

I've recently started lurking this fantastic blog called Praise the Mother. I have yet to obtain the courage to post a comment but I'm incredibly impressed with it and more importantly her taste in music. I've only recently had the chance to catch up on my favorite blogs. Due to some family issues (totally blog worthy but I don't think I have the strength the write about it just yet) I've missed blogging, I'm not sure if anyone missed me. But I will and must return to this very soon. In any case she posted this song from Pearl Jam (a beloved band from my youth that I seem to be falling in love with all over again recently) This song perfectly sums up my life of late.



In Hiding - Pearl Jam
I shut and lock the front door.
No way in or out.
I turned and walked the hallway, and pulled the curtains down.
I knelt and emptied the mouth of every plug around.
But nothing's sound.
Oh, oh. Nothing's sound.

I stayed where my last step left me.
Ignored all my rounds
Soon I was seeing visions and cracks along the walls.
Oh. They were upside down. Oh. Oh.
I swallow my truth to keep from lying.
I swallow my face just to keep from biting. I, I...
I swallowed my breath and went deep, I was diving. Diving.
I surfaced and all of my being was enlightened.
Now I'm...

I'm in hiding. (x4)

It's been about three days now since I've been aground.
No longer overwhelmed.
And it seems so simple now.
It's funny when things change so much, it's all state of mind.

I swallowed my truth to keep from lying.
I swallowed my face just to keep from biting. I, I...
I swallowed my breath and went deep, I was diving. I was diving.
I surfaced and all of my being was enlightened.
Now I'm...

I'm in hiding. I'm in hiding, I'm...
I'm in hiding, I am, oh. I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding yeah. I'm in hiding, I am...
I'm in hiding. (x2)

Auditory Journeys

This past Friday, I went for my first audiogram in a few years. Oddly enough I was incredibly nervous. It's not a painful test. Not if you don't count the incredibly intense bout of tinnitus the test sets off. Still I was incredibly anxious. I realized though that this is the test that will point out just how bad my hearing is. It will lay it out in a neat little graph. There is that part of me that wants it to look like it did years ago, in the mild-moderate range. But I know better, I know that sideways S has dropped lower down the graph. And it has.

As you can tell I've begun the descent into the moderately severe zone. If you're lucky (and I hope very much that you are) you've never laid eyes on one of these graphs. Most are filled with little less than or more than symbols, x's and o's. The way the test works is they relay words or beeps at certain Hertz levels, if you can't hear them or understand them they raise the decibel level until you can. Human Hertz levels range from 200-3000. 200 being the lowest bassiest human sound. 3000 being the highest Mariah Carey kind of highs. But everyday human conversation usually falls into the 300-1000 range. Now if your hearing is "normal" you begin to hear what could be described an understandable whisper at the 0 -20 level. Yours truly as you can see doesn't BEGIN to hear those whispers them until they get to 50-60 decibels which is the volume at which most people carry on conversations. So your normal conversation is about as understandable as if you were whispering to me.

I walked away still feeling the enormity of my challenges, but I was also a little relieved because I had a better understanding of my disability and what to expect.

And you know it's easy for me to talk about the obstacles I face, but It's also hit home to me that my loved ones must have difficulties as well, when it comes to being a part of my life. I can't imagine how difficult it can be at times for my family and friends. Having to repeat themselves over and over again. And they've never really complained about it. They are learning that they can't turn their backs towards me or try to tell me something from another room. Ned when we first started dated would get hoarse from speaking at a higher volume and repeating himself so much.

That's why for the first time in my life finding the right hearing aid is so important to me, I have to show them that I'm doing all I can to take charge of my situation. And I have to thank them more often when they do the little things they know will make it easier on me to understand them. Like tapping me on the shoulder when they want to get my attention. Repeating themselves when they realize I really didn't understand what they said. Even interpreting for me when in social situations. I know that the extra effort it takes for them to be in my life can't be the easiest of tasks at times. But I'm truly blessed that they take it all in stride.

What's Next?

The hubby and I felt this depression reccession brewing awhile back. We talked a lot about it and what it meant for us. At the time things were already tough dealing with reinstating the hubby's disability status & benefits, and me working a job that paid 1/2 of what I was used to. We decided then the best thing to do was to go back to school. The beauty of approaching school as a 32 year old as apposed to being an 18 year old is that you approach it from a place of practicality as apposed to a place of passion. "I'm going to be an English Major with a focus on Romanitic Literature." Not that I have a problem with schooling yourself in the things you love, but I'd be willing to bet that Starbucks coffee you bought this morning was served to you by the proud owner of an BA in English. When you're 32 and approaching school you think more about what the growing job trends are. What is going to be the field that will give me a decent paying job?

When I was a kid, my grandma used to tell me that I should go into the health care business because I had such a good heart and a caring soul. fooled ya! I remember telling her that I could never do it because the site of broken bones or massive amounts of blood make me feel faint. I wasn't too sure at the time what I wanted to do but I knew that wasn't it. Now though as I look over degrees and careers. I'm seriously thinking about it. The baby boom generation is deep in the trenches of senior citizenship and they desperately need to get their health care on.

But despite seeing the great salaries and the huge demand for things like radiologists and physical therapists. I just can't seem to check the box. I find myself gazing longingly at Web Technology Degrees and Graphic Design Programs. There is part of me that knows Grandma was right, I do have the heart for Health Care. But do I have the head? Time and Time again I've learned that in order to be successful at anything you do have to have a passion for it. If I go into Health Care the drive would come more from a need for financial security than from a need to make sick people better.

Last night, I moaned to the hubby about my dilema. He reminded me that even though times are tough, you are always most successful when you do what you truly love. That who knows what tomorrow will bring as far as the economy goes. I may not make the greatest money right away, but because I love it, because I'm passionate about it, I'll find that financial security I want for my family. Eventually.

And I realize that, maybe just maybe that Starbucks barista is currently writing the next great novel. Maybe 2 or 3 years from now they get that editor job they've wanted for so long. Or maybe they realize life wants them to go another route. But Who's to say they won't get there? That they won't find succes?

Maybe it's possible to merge passion AND practicality. My passion for web design and graphic arts is very strong. I've schooled myself above and beyond what I ever imagined possible. But the time has come to really stretch my legs really see how far I can go. Really embrace how successful I can be. The practical side is that technology is an ever growing and ever demanding field. Something even this economic downturn can't stop. I hope to find my place somewhere in the middle.

In the meantime I'm off to admissions...

It's A New Day!

1:41pm I've finally calmed down a little, My morning has been full of tears and emotion. I'm just overcome with so many feelings. And his speech oh his speech was just incredible. Here are some of my favorite points.


Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because we the people have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our founding fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it)."

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

........................................................................................................................................


Here is the first of many things I will post today! Happy Inauguration Day!!
(big thanks to Angie for sharing this one first on Pebbles)

The Beginning Of Greatness.

The next few days are going to be tremendously emotional for me and the rest of my country. For the rest of my life I know I will view these past 8 years as the darkest my generation has ever seen perhaps some of the darkest in the history of my country. But these past 8 years are also a shining example of how we can never become complacent. The minute we become lazy, the moment we forget that this is OUR country, the moment we forget that ours is a government for the people, by the people. We allow evil, bigotry, and greed to speak for us.
I feel deep in my heart and soul that this is the eve of what will be the golden era that of which our nation has never seen. Not since its creation have you seen such involvement so many of our citizens saying and believing that they count, that they are responsible for our success or our failure. Not capitol hill, not the white house, OUR voices are the ones that matter. And no greater example can be seen than in the election of Barack Obama. This nation after so many dark days is full of hope, ready to do the work that needs to be done to create the future we deserve. It makes me feel so lucky to be alive to see so many dreams become reality.

I'm so relieved that such a dark chapter is being closed. Apprehensive about the ultimate revelation of the deeply guarded secrets of the bush administration in the years to come. But all of that is just overcome with this feeling of hope and pride that's been lost to me for so long. Hope that we really can create a better day for ourselves and our children. Hope that we can begin to heal and learn. A pride in my country, a deep pride for the MILLIONS of my fellow citizens that are now and for the rest of their lives INVOLVED in their government. Millions that have begun to look at this whole country, as their community. They now understand that it's so much more than what goes on in our neighborhoods we have to care about every single American neighborhood, every American citizen.


I've also thought a lot about what it was that Dr King witnessed when he saw the promised land. Could he have ever imagined a moment like Tuesday, January 20 2009? Could any of those millions of people that stood beside him have imagined a moment such as this? I feel so lucky to be to be a part of this place in history.

So many generations ago, American citizens felt such a deep connection with their president. Pictures were not just found in federal buildings but in schools and homes. Frankly for a time I thought such displays of presidential pride were foolish. I realize now that I was the foolish one, it was only because I never knew what that connection felt like, until now. I feel so lucky to have the kind of pride that I thought was lost generations ago.

The memory of the Joy I will feel on Tuesday, as I watch MY president's inauguration with my daughter, will stay with me for years to come. I am hopeful now that maybe I really can leave this world a better place for her. I feel blessed that she will now grow up in time when she will truly know that anything is possible. That no matter how tough things may seem today, no matter how impossible the odds. The battle can be so long but as long as we keep fighting we can and will overcome.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

To say that the last three years living in the middle of nowhere, in the heart of redneck USA, has been difficult would be a serious understatement. We settled in this small town with a population under 1,000 because of it's affordable housing and easy commute. While we always knew the move here would be temporary, and despite our endless efforts to make the best of it, each week became a little more difficult to stomach. Dealing with religious zealotry, bigotry, racism, classism, and gossip did quite the number on us. The one beacon of hope was the little house we found our refuge in. This place we truly made a warm and loving home. This was the place we welcomed our daughter home to. The place she took her first steps in, the place we set up our first Christmas tree as a family. This house is filled to the rafters with memories of laughter, love, and tears. And we will miss it always, but it's time to go.

Recently the stars aligned and fate has opened a new door for us. Or perhaps I should say that we have truly begun to brick our own path in life. All three of us are at long last able to jump into the real world again. Our next location was going to be Ned's choice (he twice moved to towns of my choosing, thanks to my radio career) We had a few places in mind, Charlottesville-Virginia, Asheville-NC, and Orono-Maine. All quite a distance from my family particularly my mom. Some who have been in similar motherly situations would say "that's not far enough for me" But when my mother had her nervous breakdown and her counselor asked what it was that brought her happiness. She said she could think of only one thing, and that was Stella. (not her own two children by the way). It's been awhile since then but I know that sentiment rings true today. After much consideration, much soul searching we realized that a few more years near them could be tolerable if we just found a town we liked.

Enter Greenville. We had begun choosing Greenville as our "big city" destination when we needed more than just what our local grocery store could provide. One day while driving home Ned tells me "why don't we move to Greenville?" After much research it seemed like a great choice. Home to a respectable university(good public schools), Mass Transit system, Museums, Parks, Recreation, a respected Hospital, and Pizza Delivery! (yes we live in a town with no food delivery service - OH THE HORROR) Obviously we became as educated as possible on the pros and cons of moving to Greenville. No way in hell we were going to make the same mistake again.

And since making this decision EVERYTHING has fallen right into place. The fates are giving us constant high fives on our choice. After getting back from my best friend's wedding in Florida. We dove into finding a place. I make a few house viewing appointments and send Ned to Greenville to check out a few places on Wednesday. I get a call from him after he looked at the first house. "I'm not feeling this house, but let me tell you the landlord is awesome, she's driving me to see two other houses. I'll call you later" about twenty minutes later "call and cancel those other appointments, I think I found the one...or maybe two, and have I told you how awesome Melissa is?"

He comes home full of excitement. With a grin that I thought was stifled by our small town long ago. He tells me all about Melissa and her husband Randy. Tells me how they too are cancer survivors. That she loves real beer (Ned's a bit of a beer snob) That he has a sneaking suspicion that they are dead heads (serious points in Ned's book) He loves them and he loves the two houses he wants to show me on Friday before we enjoy a few beers with Melissa at the bar thats just a few blocks away (what this isn't a dry county?? seriously we're in heaven!).

Friday can't come soon enough, He and I take the trip down and I meet Melissa, I'm instantly at ease as it feels like we are meeting an old friend. She shows us this great little place (the first one Ned saw) and while standing in the kitchen Melissa starts to talk politics and I seriously want to kiss her but I figured it's our first date I don't want to scare her off.

We see the last two, the ones that Ned likes. They both have all the personality I love in an old house. And best part about it they are in Melissa's neighborhood. Out of the two there was one that just seemed so right for us.

With this great little front room with a mantle and old fireplace.

A large inviting dining room (perfect for our many upcoming dinners amongst our new friends)

with a beautiful french door leading to the kitchen that's so sweetly vintage.

And the perfect room for my studio - the only room in the house with carpeting.


After choosing a house, Melissa takes us to Ham's where much to our delight most of our neighbors are hanging out. Ned and I must have looked like total dorks as we were smiling like a bunch of jackasses. Meeting these great people just made us more certain that our moving choice was the right one, all across the board. Here were some particular highlights of the evening.

*Ned discovered his new favorite game "Cornhole". (seriously he can't wait to play it again) It's kind of like horseshoes for drunks.

* I made a new BFF in the wonderment that is Jamie, any woman who says things like "acrobatic nipples" is my kind of people. Seriously folks I see lot's of crazy stories involving Ms Jamie and I in the future.

*Our new friends Melissa & Randy are some amazingly cool people. We very much look forward to getting to know them.

*After living next to a 93 year old lady for the past three years I forgot what it was like to live next to kindred spirits, to be around like minded people, to be able to laugh and speak our minds and not worry about a damn thing. This is perhaps THE thing that excites us the most about this move.

So the past few days has been a whirlwind of bubble wrap and liquor store boxes. I'm scared, excited, nervous, and relieved. Most of all I feel happy. Hello old friend it's been awhile.

Thank You America...
This has been one of the most magical moments of my life.

30 Days - Day 7

So last Friday I talked about my desire to begin the journey to a better me. A happier me. See Here. Oh What a week it has been my friends. First I have to give a huge shout out to my fantabulous friend Martha over at Surviving Baby who decided there was strength in numbers and created her own 30 day list.

Let me tell you this has been one of the most revolutionary weeks of my life. The things that I have learned about myself. The choices that I have made this week. I can't tell you how right it all feels. I feel as though for the first time in my life, each step I take is in the right direction. The crazy thing is, I'm still just beginning. The pieces of the puzzle are far from being in place. But every day that I commit myself to this change leaves me feeling better than the last. And every day I learn one more little lesson, I move a little further towards my happiness, to feeling that each and every moment I'm here is not wasted.

All of this because I made 5 little changes. Because I sat down and began to read a little book that I've had for almost 10 years but never gave it the attention it deserved until now. It really has shown me so much. It's put so much in perspective. For example. What do you do on a daily basis that makes you truly happy? (kids don't count in this exercise) What purposeful actions do you make in your day to day life that when you walk away leave you feeling good? That make your soul feel that much better? I've realized that many of the things I typically did "for me" on a day to day basis brought absolutely nothing to my life. I've learned that before I can ever hope to be successful on any higher level in my life. I've got to make the time every day to do the things that make my soul happy. That bring joy (no matter how big or small) into my life. Whether it's 15 minutes here 20 minutes there I have to devote an hour out of my day to my own happiness. Just doing this the past few days has helped me more productive more focused. It makes me feel less afraid.

Frankly I look forward to every second of the next 23 days. To see where I'm going to be tomorrow, next week, Next month. To watch myself become the person I want to be. To be the best example I can be for my daughter who is and always will be my greatest inspiration.


A few days in I found myself amending my list a little (but in a good way).

1. I will not visit Perez Hilton or People.com-this particular task has been surprisingly easy for me maybe because I've been too busy otherwise to care about it.

2.I will each night create a to do list for the next day with 5 tasks to complete that I would normally avoid. I will not rest until each of those tasks have been completed. -this one a bit tougher, I try to make each item an realistic one.

3.I will wear some degree of make-up and style my hair for no reason at all. -I've found a strange inner power from doing this. And oddly it's only been from a barrette, lip gloss and a little eyeliner.

4.I will read a minimum of 20 pages in a book. -this has quickly become a must do in my life. Right up there with brushing my teeth and I freakin' love it.

5. Every time I walk out of a room I will leave it better than I arrived. (put something away, pick up or organize) -I've made it a game and I've actually felt better about myself since doing this.

Anybody else want to join Martha and I? 5 things 30 days I know you can do it. And you'll be glad you did.

30 Days

Angie, over at Gathering recently asked "what's up with the Friday only posts?" Well I can say that I've been busy and it would be the truth. I can also say that I haven't been up to much and that would also be the truth.

Lately I've been doing a lot of internal housekeeping. Asking myself why I've made the choices I have in my life. I've been reading a great book that I plan to discuss in the next In The Stacks post. This book has knocked me on my ass. It's held a mirror up to me..pressed it right in my face and has said nay screamed. TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF WOMAN!

I'm determined to be a better person. Determined to live the kind of life I am proud of. Determined to make the right choices for myself. To be true to myself. To eliminate those parts of me that drag me down. The parts of me that ultimately hurts me and those I care about.

They say that it takes 30 days to create a new habit and to solidify a new way of doing things. I'm realistic about this. A lifetime of not taking care of my body is not going to be corrected in 30 days. A lifetime of self doubt will not be resolved in 30 days. But I've learned and finally accepted that it really isn't the destination it's the journey that's the most important.

We all talk about how "oh I'm so bad at this" or "I wish I didn't do this or that". But honestly who else is going to fix the problem if not ourself? These bad qualities... They become a crutch for mediocrity. For never really getting what we want out of our lives. I don't mean to sound like a late night infomercial motivational tape pusher. But it's the truth. If there is something I don't like about myself only I have the power to change it.

The reason I've failed in the past at correcting my undesired behavior can be attributed to the fact that I always wanted to level the building without ever considering that all I really needed to do were some renovations. (Bad metaphor but it works)

My first focus is my procrastination. I'm an awful procrastinator. Perpetually late is an understatement. I was 30 minutes late for my first date with the hubby. Friends say I'll be late to my own funeral. I can find some way to twiddle away hours of time without ever accomplishing a thing. This affects all aspects of my life. So I'm starting small. It may seem silly but for the next thirty days here are 5 things I will devote myself to. This list is compiled to cut away those things that hold me back. And bring into my life attributes I've fallen short of in the past.

1)I WILL NOT visit perezhilton.com. This site sucks up wayyy!! too much of my time, it brings absolutely nothing to my life and frankly I come away feeling like I've cheated myself in some way.

2)Same goes for People.com no visits for 30 days

3)I will each night create a to do list for the next day with 5 tasks to complete that I would normally avoid. I will not rest until each of those tasks have been completed.

4)I will wear some degree of make-up and style my hair for no reason at all. I've never been much of a make up wearer but damn it I could slap on some concealer maybe some gloss for goodness sakes.

5)I will read 20 pages of a book.

Every day for 30 days my friends starting now. Want to play along? I'd love nothing more. So what are your 5 things?

The Most Fantastic Words EVER

"After carefully reviewing all the information on your claim, we have made a disability decision. We find that your disability did not end. Therefore, your benefits will continue."

After a year long battle on all fronts, emotionally, physically, financially we finally won one! Today for the first time in a LONG time we feel like we can breathe again.

The Lords Of Karma

When I was in radio there was a list of things you NEVER talked about. Religion and Politics were at the top. I've always respected that not everyone is going to feel the same way as I do about religion. How can I expect someone not to force their ideas down my throat if I'm doing it myself? To use my mic as a medium to talk about my Religious beliefs was hypocritical.

But politics, sociology, culture those are things I've been very passionate about since my youth. I found ways around it. Ways to keep it in the Gray. For example when an election was coming up I would spend the week leading up to election day reporting on how one vote made a difference in American history. Voting is one of the most important things we can do as Americans and as human beings in my book. The adage that "my vote doesn't count so why bother" couldn't be more dangerous. That's what those that wish to control us as a society want you to believe.

One of my biggest frustrations has always been how the Mainstream Media seems to only be capable of reporting about the darkness in our communities & the world. Leaving us in a constant state of fear, a constant disbelief in the goodness of mankind. I had a daily report called "the bright side" where I talked about everyday people going above and beyond the call of duty to help their communities. Because that is the kind of news that reminds people there is good in all of us and if it's one or a thousand we can make a difference. Because those are the kinds of people that deserve countless hours of coverage on CNN not Paris Hilton and her ilk.

With that said I'm also no stranger to the injustices in the world. I strive also to make sure that those are brought to light as well. Injustices that we can do something about. Although the road may seem long, I need only to look at my daughter and husband to know it's worth everything I have to keep fighting.

One of the many things that binds Ned & I is our deep sense that we are each others keeper. The belief that if there is something wrong you do what you can to fix it. Ned's struggle with Cancer, Our struggle with Social Security, Our lack of access to affordable or better yet UNIVERSAL health care, Our frustrations with public education, our frustrations with the complete dismissal of the importance of guiding our youth, our government ... we have much to say and well since the first fruit of our real collaboration turned out quite nicely we thought why not try again. Bloggy Style.


I give to you... The Lords of Karma Taken from the Hunter S. Thompson quote "I consider myself a road man for the lords of karma" We will talk a lot about Ned's struggle with cancer, our battle to convince the social security administration that he is in fact disabled(10 out of the 11 doctors reporting on his case agree with us). Our struggles living as a family who cannot afford health insurance. We'll also talk about a lot of the issues that need to be brought to light. To somehow help those on a similar path or those less fortunate. And we welcome any and all contributions. If there is something going on in your community, something that you feel is important to talk about please send us an e-mail. And we'll do our best to post your story. It's important to know that each of our voices means something. And just as I remind Ned in those moments he feels that he's all alone in his fight. There is always someone who can find inspiration from you. Always someone who can benefit from the experience and perspective you have to offer. So please when you can stop by and let us know what you think.

Well Said...

"Once in a lifetime, the poet said, once in a lifetime, hope and history meet in one extraordinary man. I thank the good Lord that I have lived long enough to meet and help such a man twice in my lifetime: John Kennedy and Barack Obama," - Theodore Sorensen former John F. Kennedy adviser

My Hero

Grab a drink, Grab a Tissue, We are going for a ride.

One minute your living your life to the fullest. Traveling the country, hiking the Appalachian Trail, Camping, Drinking with good friends, Filling your life with good music and good memories. Practicing your craft with joy each and every day. When suddenly out of nowhere your stomach churns, Your head in vice, You can't eat, can't sleep, can't keep anything down. You reach out ask for help from the people who are supposed to know they tell you lay off the spicy food it's G.E.R.D. Your instincts tell you that isn't it. You keep getting sicker, keep asking why, and the doctors keep telling you it's all in your head. I can't imagine what those times where like. Everything you loved to do. Everything you loved giving way to painful sleepless nights desperately researching trying to find the answer. Reading through medical papers filled to the brim with words you can't understand. But this sickness keeps you up keeps you reading. There it is. Brain Tumor. What was it like that late night deep in those quiet hours reading those words? You must have been so scared love. My hero.

To walk those halls as a patient... those walls you built. Begging someone anyone to believe you. Oh my love, my hero how strong you are. How rare you are indeed. Adult Medulloblastoma a cancer found mostly in children is deep in you, a man full of life and experience. How is this? Within days they are inside. A few more days it would have been inoperable. This was just the first of many battles for your life. The fates, your body knocked you down over and over again. But you keep getting up. My hero. Some nights when you sleep your face the most peaceful I've seen in many moons. My thoughts drift to you trapped in that mask. Listening to the buzz. Listening to Norah Jones ad-nauseum. I whisper to you my love all the things I would have said. Imagine holding your hand. My hero.

You did it all alone. I wasn't there. My heart breaks sometimes because I wasn't. There to annoy you with mindless chatter (as I do when I'm nervous), Talk about how hot the nurse with the nice rack is (to make you laugh), To sneak you chic fil-a, To whisper to you over and over how brave, how strong you are. My hero.

Cancer is such a horrible horrible disease. What so many people don't realize is that it's more than diagnosis, surgery, and treatment. They don't tell you is just the first wave. The battle, the war, wages on for years. You never hear about the rehabilitation. You never hear about illnesses born from hospital stays or cancer treatment. You never hear about Radiation Induced Necrosis. You never hear about the immense physical pain left from surgery scars. Never hear that if the Cancer doesn't kill you the treatment just might. Never hear that if you are permanently disabled. That you will fight for the rest of your life the the right to have access to the hundreds of thousands of dollars you put into the system.

The past two weeks have been particularly heavy. Today my battle worn hero faced yet another battle. Imagine having to tell a complete stranger over and over again every single one your painful flaws. Telling them all your dark secrets. Telling them with every mintuae just how you are damaged. BEGGING them to help you lead some semblance of a normal life. PLEADING with them to give you what's rightfully yours. JUSTIFYING your pain and suffering. And you're sitting in that chair. You're choking down every ounce of pride. And you're there because of a golf ball mass of cells. You're there because you wanted to live. Your there because you would not be defeated. Your there because a brain tumor and four count em' FOUR pulmonary embolisms didn't kill you. When they said you wouldn't walk again you walked. When they said you wouldn't survive you did. YOU WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.

And I realize as much as I wish I had been there those first days and months. I was meant to be HERE... now. I've got your hand, I'm behind you pushing you on in those moments you just don't want to take another step. I'm the one who knows and will share with everyone and anyone how unbelievably amazing you are. How inspirational, how strong. Even if you're too battle weary to realize it. I was meant to be there with you March 14th 2006 when your daughter came into this world kicking and screaming filled to the brim with the same fire, the same fight as her dad. I was meant to be the one to tell you no matter how far away it seems. You won't have to fight forever. Happiness in life will find you again. The rewards of your courage will someday find you. To whisper to you deep in the night. "My hero, oh how I love you"

Pioneering Witness

I'm so excited to be here in this moment. I want to sit beside Rosa Parks on that bus and tell her. "One day in the not too distant future a black man will win the democratic presidential nomination". I want to tell those brave women who gave their lives for the chance to vote. "One day a very strong, smart and equally as brave woman will fight quite strongly and be taken quite seriously as the potential president of the United States."

After so many, so very many years of darkness. I'm beginning to feel as though my country is waking up from a deep deep sleep. Millions of people have sacrificed so much to bring us here and just when I thought no one was paying attention. I look around to discover that people are inspired like never before. I'm so very proud that my daughter will learn about how a country that once enslaved and brutalized africans could change in such a way as to deem an african the best possible candidate to run it. Proud that my daughter will truly know that if she wants to be President. SHE CAN.

So many dark days have at long last led us to some very shining moments. I'm lucky to be a witness to the change to come.

Shotgun...

As said by my boss...

"you shotgun things...you blow that shotgun and you chip away at 20 things. Instead you need to figure out how to be a bullet. Just blast away one thing at a time it will get you where you need to be faster than you think."

I hate it when someone other than my hubby reads me like that. Here I thought I was sooo smooth had it all under control..(sheyeah rrright) And this guy, comes and nails it. Just nails it to the wall. I am a shotgun. That's why I get so overwhelmed because I try to take out so many things with one blast. The results are that I just ding em' and that just pisses them off. It pisses me off. Because soon enough I just get so locked down with stress I can't think straight.

Which is what's been happening the past few weeks, hell months. The more I thought about it. The more I realized that part of the reason I've been "shotgunning" is simply because I'm not interested in my targets.

Stay with me on this one...When your in radio you really have to create this personality. While you certainly can lend some element of your private self to this personality. This new personality has to be a real people pleaser. It has to be this umbrella of coverage. You must please your listeners, You must please your employer, You must be whatever said listener and employer need you to be. This of course can lead to losing sight of your whole self. And after 7 years of doing that I realized that I didn't know who I was anymore. Turning that people pleasing switch off would prove tougher than expected.

An executive director job found me last October. And for awhile it was great fun but anyone who has ever worked for a non-profit knows. The pay sucks and demands are high. You've got a group of volunteers that basically expect you to donate any and all necessary time needed for projects beyond the $200 a week they pay you. Change the word volunteer to Broadcasters and bump the $200 a week a bit. Hello Radio! It hit me, I traded one "we'll never pay you for everything your required to do" job for another. And I just can't do that to myself or my family again. That's just not who I am. And that my friends is why things fall apart far to frequently in my life. I'm not being the person that I want to be. I'm being the person my job or people in my community dictate me to be. Funny there was a time when just the IDEA of conforming on that kind of level would cause me to break out into hives. I was going to live my life on my terms. I was going to get tattoos, and bring my kids to rallies, I was going to surround my life with music & art I loved. I was going to have great dinner parties with equally as great discussions. For a little while I had that life. And somewhere, I deviated. Somewhere I lost sight of those ways that made me very happy.

I am not someone who finds joy in Meetings, in planning Christmas Festivals or HOME TOURS (for crying out loud!) I'm not someone who takes minutes. That kind of stuff makes someone happy but it isn't me. The scary thing is...for a moment I thought it was making me happy. What does make me happy is this little coffee shop. My little live music show, my photography, my graphic design. My family. So yours truly is undergoing a revamping. You'll see some changes in the coming weeks here under the lilac tree and beyond. There are projects in the works. Projects I'm incredibly excited about, as they are things that over the years of people pleasing that were shoved deep down. Well it's rising to the surface and I couldn't be more excited.

I've learned it from watching my hubby the last few weeks on his vineyard. When you do what you love, what you want to in life, that's real happiness that's fulfillment. And most of all that's the kind of example above all that I want to set for Stella. She should never be anyone but the person she wants to be. Do the things that make you truly happy in life and life will be very good to you.

That out of many, we are one; that while we breath we will hope

Each and every time I hear Barack Obama speak. I gain back a little bit of hope for my country's future. Just amazing I've never seen or felt anything like it in my life and I am so excited and proud that I'm here now to witness what this great man will inevitably do.

The following is a transcript of Barack's South Carolina Primary Speech-

We're looking to fundamentally change the status quo in Washington.
It's a status quo that extends beyond any particular party and right now that status quo is fighting back with everything it's got, with the same old tactics that divide and distract us from solving the problems people face, whether those problems are health care that folks can't afford or a mortgage they cannot pay.
So this will not be easy. Make no mistake about what we're up against. We're up against the belief that it's all right for lobbyists to dominate our government, that they are just part of the system in Washington. But we know that the undue influence of lobbyists is part of the problem and this election is our chance to say that we are not going to let them stand in our way anymore.
We're up against the conventional thinking that says your ability to lead as president comes from longevity in Washington or proximity to the White House. But we know that real leadership is about candor and judgment and the ability to rally Americans from all walks of life around a common purpose, a higher purpose.
We're up against decades of bitter partisanship that cause politicians to demonize their opponents instead of coming together to make college affordable or energy cleaner. It's the kind of partisanship where you're not even allowed to say that a Republican had an idea, even if it's one you never agreed with. That's the kind of politics that is bad for our party, it is bad for our country, and this is our chance to end it once and for all.
We're up against the idea that it's acceptable to say anything and do anything to win an election. But we know that this is exactly what's wrong with our politics. This is why people don't believe what their leaders say anymore. This is why they tune out. And this election is our chance to give the American people a reason to believe again.
But let me say this, What we've seen in these last weeks is that we're also up against forces that are not the fault of any one campaign, but feed the habits that prevent us from being who we want to be as a nation.
It's the politics that uses religion as a wedge and patriotism as a bludgeon, a politics that tells us that we have to think, act and even vote within the confines of the categories that supposedly define us, the assumption that young people are apathetic, the assumption that Republicans won't cross over, the assumption that the wealthy care nothing for the poor and that the poor don't vote, the assumption that African Americans can't support the white candidate, whites can't support the African American candidate, blacks and Latinos cannot come together.
We are here tonight to say that that is not the America we believe in. I did not travel around this state over the last year and see a white South Carolina or a black South Carolina. I saw South Carolina. I saw crumbling schools that are stealing the future of black children and white children alike. I saw shuttered mills and homes for sale that once belonged to Americans from all walks of life and men and women of every color and creed who serve together and fight together and bleed together under the same proud flag.
I saw what America is and I believe in what this country can be. That is the country I see. That is the country you see. But now it is up to us to help the entire nation embrace this vision.
Because in the end, we're not just against the ingrained and destructive habits of Washington, we're also struggling with our own doubts, our own fears, our own cynicism.
The change we seek has always required great struggle and great sacrifice. And so this is a battle in our own hearts and minds about what kind of country we want and how hard we're willing to work for it.
So let me remind you tonight that change will not be easy. Change will take time. There will be setbacks and false starts and sometimes we'll make mistakes.
But as hard as it may seem, we cannot lose hope, because there are people all across this great nation who are counting on us, who can't afford another four years without health care, that can't afford another four years without good schools, that can't afford another four years without decent wages because our leaders couldn't come together and get it done.
Theirs are the stories and voices we carry on from South Carolina. The mother who can't get Medicaid to cover all the needs of her sick child. She needs us to pass a health care plan that cuts costs and makes health care available and affordable for every single American. That's what she's looking for.
The teacher who works another shift at Dunkin Donuts after school just to make ends meet, she needs us to reform our education system so that she gets better pay and more support and her students get the resources that they need to achieve their dreams.
The Maytag worker who's now competing with his own teenager for a $7 an hour job at the local Wal-Mart, because the factory he gave us life to shut its doors, he needs us to stop giving tax breaks to companies that ship our jobs overseas and start putting them in the pockets of working Americans who deserve it and put them in the pockets of struggling homeowners who are having a tough time and looking after seniors who should retire with dignity and respect.
The woman who told me that she hasn't been able to breath since the day her nephew left for Iraq or the soldier who doesn't know his child because he's on his third or fourth or even fifth tour of duty, they need us to come together and put an end to a war that should have never been authorized and should have never been waged.
So understand this, South Carolina. The choice in this election is not between regions or religions or genders. It's not about rich versus poor, young versus old. And it is not about black versus white. This election is about the past versus the future.
It's about whether we settle for the same divisions and distractions and drama that passes for politics today or whether we reach for a politics of common sense and innovation, a politics of shared sacrifice and shared prosperity.
There are those who will continue to tell us that we can't do this, that we can't have what we're looking for, that we can't have what we want, that we're peddling false hopes. But here is what I know. I know that when people say we can't overcome all the big money and influence in Washington, I think of that elderly woman who sent me a contribution the other day, an envelope that had a money order for $3.01, along with a verse of scripture tucked inside the envelope. So don't tell us change isn't possible. That woman knows change is possible.
When I hear the cynical talk that blacks and whites and Latinos can't join together and work together, I'm reminded of the Latino brothers and sisters I organized with and stood with and fought with side by side for jobs and justice on the streets of Chicago. So don't tell us change can't happen.
When I hear that we'll never overcome the racial divide in our politics, I think about that Republican woman who used to work for Strom Thurmond, who is now devoted to educating inner city children and who went out into the streets of South Carolina and knocked on doors for this campaign. Don't tell me we can't change. Yes, we can.
Yes, we can change. Yes, we can heal this nation. Yes, we can seize our future.
And as we leave this great state with a new wind at our backs and we take this journey across this great country, a country we love, with the message we carry from the plains of Iowa to the hills of New Hampshire, from the Nevada desert to the South Carolina coast, the same message we had when we were up and when we were down, that out of many, we are one; that while we breath, we will hope.
And where we are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in three simple words: Yes. We. Can.